• being straight and falling for your closest friend

    by  • March 15, 2014 • Frustration • 1 Comment

    I wish I knew where it all started, because if I did, I’d go back and make sure it didn’t happen.
    I don’t know why this happened, why I started liking you, but it did, and I wish it hadn’t because I don’t know how to act around you anymore. What I want to do with you, I can’t, so I need to let go.

    I started having these feelings for you, feelings I thought I could only ever have for a guy. If only I knew that those times we joked about being a couple, my heart took it seriously, I would’ve stopped it right then. I wouldn’t have cuddled with you or spoken about running away together, I wouldn’t have shared all of my deepest secrets with you, because that all brought us closer together, and if we weren’t close there wouldn’t have been a chance for me to feel the way I do.
    I used to have dreams about us kissing. I used to want you to be mine. Who am I kidding, I want you to be mine but that will never happen because I know you could never feel the same way. It hurts because I shouldn’t be loving you in this way, but I do. I do and it’s killing me. It literally tears me apart every time I think of you: it makes the butterflies scramble, the tears flow and my brain scatter and I can’t handle it. Everything you made special, reminds me of you and it brings it all right back.

    When we stopped talking I thought it would make it easier, I thought I’d forget about how I felt about you. I thought I’d forget…and slowly I did…and for a while, I was okay. I didn’t have to deal with these feelings. I could avoid the fact that maybe the reason why I got so excited around you, why no one else could make me happy as you could was because I falling.

    But just as I thought I was getting over those feelings I saw you and I was forced to face the truth. And the truth is I love you M, and not in the way a girl is supposed to love her best friend, I love you the way someone if they wanted a relationship and it’s literally tearing me apart but I want you in my life, regardless and I don’t know what to do.

    Fuck I hate feelings.

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    One Response to being straight and falling for your closest friend

    1. @ author
      March 15, 2014 at 6:00 pm

      Author my heart has been in the same place. For over twenty years I have been in the same situation. Truth be told you cannot choose who you fall in love with and who captures your soul. I have never loved a woman like I loved her, never been drawn to a woman like I was with her. The problem is if you think it’s an impossible situation (and I know of that as well bc mine is an impossible situation) the best choice is to not be friends and distance yourself from her. The ache will never go away just dull once there is distance. You deserve to be happy and to have ur love reciprocated and is she cannot provide that to you for whatever reason, protect you heart and walk away. I have learned the hard way that when you’re in love with your best friend…it’s better for your heart to not have them at all then to have them halfway. Good luck….




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