I wish I knew where it all started, because if I did, I’d go back and make sure it didn’t happen.
I don’t know why this happened, why I started liking you, but it did, and I wish it hadn’t because I don’t know how to act around you anymore. What I want to do with you, I can’t, so I need to let go.
I started having these feelings for you, feelings I thought I could only ever have for a guy. If only I knew that those times we joked about being a couple, my heart took it seriously, I would’ve stopped it right then. I wouldn’t have cuddled with you or spoken about running away together, I wouldn’t have shared all of my deepest secrets with you, because that all brought us closer together, and if we weren’t close there wouldn’t have been a chance for me to feel the way I do.
I used to have dreams about us kissing. I used to want you to be mine. Who am I kidding, I want you to be mine but that will never happen because I know you could never feel the same way. It hurts because I shouldn’t be loving you in this way, but I do. I do and it’s killing me. It literally tears me apart every time I think of you: it makes the butterflies scramble, the tears flow and my brain scatter and I can’t handle it. Everything you made special, reminds me of you and it brings it all right back.
When we stopped talking I thought it would make it easier, I thought I’d forget about how I felt about you. I thought I’d forget…and slowly I did…and for a while, I was okay. I didn’t have to deal with these feelings. I could avoid the fact that maybe the reason why I got so excited around you, why no one else could make me happy as you could was because I falling.
But just as I thought I was getting over those feelings I saw you and I was forced to face the truth. And the truth is I love you M, and not in the way a girl is supposed to love her best friend, I love you the way someone if they wanted a relationship and it’s literally tearing me apart but I want you in my life, regardless and I don’t know what to do.
Fuck I hate feelings.