• being straight and falling for your closest friend

    by  • March 15, 2014 • Frustration • 2 Comments

    I wish I knew where it all started, because if I did, I’d go back and make sure it didn’t happen.
    I don’t know why this happened, why I started liking you, but it did, and I wish it hadn’t because I don’t know how to act around you anymore. What I want to do with you, I can’t, so I need to let go.

    I started having these feelings for you, feelings I thought I could only ever have for a guy. If only I knew that those times we joked about being a couple, my heart took it seriously, I would’ve stopped it right then. I wouldn’t have cuddled with you or spoken about running away together, I wouldn’t have shared all of my deepest secrets with you, because that all brought us closer together, and if we weren’t close there wouldn’t have been a chance for me to feel the way I do.
    I used to have dreams about us kissing. I used to want you to be mine. Who am I kidding, I want you to be mine but that will never happen because I know you could never feel the same way. It hurts because I shouldn’t be loving you in this way, but I do. I do and it’s killing me. It literally tears me apart every time I think of you: it makes the butterflies scramble, the tears flow and my brain scatter and I can’t handle it. Everything you made special, reminds me of you and it brings it all right back.

    When we stopped talking I thought it would make it easier, I thought I’d forget about how I felt about you. I thought I’d forget…and slowly I did…and for a while, I was okay. I didn’t have to deal with these feelings. I could avoid the fact that maybe the reason why I got so excited around you, why no one else could make me happy as you could was because I falling.

    But just as I thought I was getting over those feelings I saw you and I was forced to face the truth. And the truth is I love you M, and not in the way a girl is supposed to love her best friend, I love you the way someone if they wanted a relationship and it’s literally tearing me apart but I want you in my life, regardless and I don’t know what to do.

    Fuck I hate feelings.

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    2 Responses to being straight and falling for your closest friend

    1. @ author
      March 15, 2014 at 6:00 pm

      Author my heart has been in the same place. For over twenty years I have been in the same situation. Truth be told you cannot choose who you fall in love with and who captures your soul. I have never loved a woman like I loved her, never been drawn to a woman like I was with her. The problem is if you think it’s an impossible situation (and I know of that as well bc mine is an impossible situation) the best choice is to not be friends and distance yourself from her. The ache will never go away just dull once there is distance. You deserve to be happy and to have ur love reciprocated and is she cannot provide that to you for whatever reason, protect you heart and walk away. I have learned the hard way that when you’re in love with your best friend…it’s better for your heart to not have them at all then to have them halfway. Good luck….




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    2. @ author
      June 3, 2017 at 7:01 am

      @@author,

      I guess I have gotten my answer. If you ask me cutting someone out of your life because of fear and confusion, does hurt the person you shut the door on. I’m sure they had deep feelings aswell. If I knew at the time that I was involving myself with someone who pushes away when they feel so much, I would have never put you through it. I was never unapproachable about your thoughts. I was always open with you. I guess I found my closure on why things ended up the way they did. You are the one that approached me in that concrete room as we sat on the incline of the floor. Once you let me in, you let me in and deeply, then you toss me in a trashcan because you get scared? Why couldn’t we just talk about it? Wasn’t I worth at least that? Had I not given enough of myself to you for a talk instead of a throw away? I fell for you deeply and every bit of it was/is still very real to me. You have caused great pain and confusion to me. I’ve never let anyone in as deep as l let you in. Then overnight you decide to throw me away to protect yourself. That’s ok. You havery that right. We were both upfront about our situations. Well I was on my side anyway. To me you were just curious, that’s how it started. I know you fell deep also. One can’t help but feel when another falls with them. But I was at least worth an honorable ending instead of a trashcan. I’m still in love with you and I don’t know how to make that stop. If you would have just been upfront with me and talked with me then this wouldn’t have hurt both of us the way it has….. you still can you know, but I’m afraid those chances are slim because you just couldn’t face me out of fear. Fear from what? Reignition of chemistry? Fear of rejection? Fear of me being mad? What? What is it about me that scares you? You know my body from head to toe on the outside and you know the inside aswell because I let you see that. What have I ever done to be treated as if you just were done with me. To busyou to carry on with my silliness anymore. I have to have closure because you will never trust me. Not because I’ve given you reason not to, but because everyone else in your life fucked that up for me. So I finally find a letter that I can cling too for closure. Now if you ever find me worthy of discussing us. Then you come find me. My arms are open and I’m still in love with you. The only difference now is I have closure incase that never happens.

      Love: your friend in a can!
      Always




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