• Why my brown eyes are blue.

    by  • March 11, 2014 • Acceptance • 0 Comments

    I miss my naive, carefree, trusting self. I am dealing w the fact that what I thought I want isn’t what I want at all. I thought I wanted a traditional marriage, being the cleaner, the cooker, the caregiver. I don’t want that. I thought the core of who I am, was that person and it’s not. I’m caring but I don’t need anyone to wait on nor do I want it. I’m happy w my new job, the way I’ve made my house, my precious pup I adopted and I’m a proud mom. I don’t need anything else. I don’t know where it fits in. I don’t want to share anymore. I am working out, working at a great company, my son just turned 16. I have all I want and what I thought I wanted wasn’t what I want at all. I want to live for me. I’m stuck in a relationship rut but I fear that any relationship I get in, the outcome will be the same unless I find someone who doesn’t need me like I don’t need them. I’m so fucking frustrated. I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m not dwelling on my past. I’m saying goodbye to the person I thought I was. I’m not her. I don’t want to share. All my bills are paid off. All my responsibilities are mine and mine alone. Maybe this is why some women just choose to be alone. I like companionship but I don’t want to be responsible for anybody’s happiness but my own. I. Am. So. Sad.

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