I have been sitting here staring at this message for at least 15 minutes now… I have so much I want to say, so many thoughts racing through my brain, but I cannot find the words. Funny how that happens..
All I can think of is, “I miss you.” and “I wish things were different.”
I cannot tell you how much I am thirsting for–craving–a good conversation that leaves you thinking and pondering the rest of the day. So far, you are one of two people that has made me think so deeply and complexly…and that is saying as an introvert!
I am done with this post-grad reality I am living – have been living for the past two years. I was physically present on campus my senior year, but my friendships had already started to unravel the year before, so why would they last through the worst year of my life? Wishful thinking.
I have always had trouble making and maintaining friendships. I thought ours would be different; you knew about my trust issues, you knew I struggle with friends, I tried to push you away so I couldn’t get attached, but you pulled me back. You actually fought for me to stay.
My question for you now is, “Why?” Why did you pull me back in if a few months later you would leave? You fought so that I would trust you. Showed me that I could. Showed me that I should. And then you did the exact same thing everyone else has done.
And then you tried to come back in a year later and say you were wrong for leaving, but you could not understand why I was so hurt when you left. Are you kidding me?
I have gotten so hurt from our friendship, if you could call it that, but for some twisted reason, I still miss you.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything reminds me of you. Every time I try to reach out you ignore me again. I guess this is it. Again. I just wish I had some say.