• a year ago

    by  • March 10, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 1 Comment

    Hi P,
    Here is your present i didn’t give you on saturday and something else for good measure not that i’m trying to encourage you.

    i’m sorry. i never meant to hurt you and you don’t even know the half of what i’ve done to hurt you. if you knew you would probably hate me forever and our time together would be tainted. i don’t think you’ve been through enough to handle that kind of hurt. i think you’ve done too much for me to understand how i could do that to you.

    it’s not personal though, i do it to everyone. but i haven’t loved someone like i loved you. yeah. sorry. i know i didn’t say it on saturday but i think that goes to show that i don’t anymore. i want to but i don’t at the same time, what’s the point. everything has changed, i know you don’t see it because you don’t know everything. it’s all on me, in my head where it should stay.
    i know it’s not fair to do what i did and then still talk to you all the time but you wouldn’t let me go and get on with my own self. if you knew then.

    i did the one thing you told me not to and then i still went back to you. i did multiple other things you told me not to and still went back to you. how. i know you’ll be fine and i know you’re better off without me. you’re too good for me. too sweet, nice, kind, caring, you try, you would do anything i ask and that’s almost a fault. you compliment me too much i don’t know if you’re lying cuz for some reason i can’t vocalise those things like you can which makes me feel even worse. you’re still the nicest guy i know.

    i wanted you to move here but i am lucky that you didn’t. such a blessing in disguise. i know you won’t be the last person i love but you were the first. it’s been such a long time coming, that’s why i don’t feel the same. i know i do deep down but right now i can’t feel that.

    i couldn’t even enjoy our last encounter because i can’t stop thinking about what happened and i knew what was coming. what if it’s like that every time i see you? what if i never see you again?

    i want you forever but i don’t want you at all. whoever marries you is a seriously lucky girl and i genuinely mean that. i hope she loves you like i did and more. but my selfishness hopes you don’t forget me. whoever has children with you is a very lucky girl, even now i can tell you will be a wonderful dad. but i don’t want you to be the father of my children.

    its like i’m picking petals off a daisy. i love you, i love you not. i want you, i want you not. i need you, i need you not. we’re meant to be, no we’re not. but somewhere along the line that flower died and it had to end. i know i’ve made the right decision but i hate that i had to make it.

    you gave me one of the best years of my 21 years. i will forever be thankful for you, your TLCIO and your endless attention that i so desperately needed and am not sure how long i can live without. i still can’t figure out if it was your attention i loved sometimes more than you. even though you were enough in so many ways i still expected so much more from you at times. why. i’m sorry.

    i’m sorry. for doing what you said i shouldn’t do. for not telling you the truth. but not lying. for stringing you along. for not living in the same place and for not being as good a person as you were to me.

    i love you, i love you not.
    but i definitely miss you.

    B. x

    One Response to a year ago

    1. beautiful
      March 10, 2014 at 2:53 pm

      It really is. Much love for you author

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