• Study Hall

    by  • March 9, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Dear study hall lover,
    I remember our high school days. You noticed me from across the lunch room, but I never noticed you until the end of the year. We exchanged cute notes and slowly started falling for each other over the summer. I couldn’t help develop feelings for you after your persistent messages and your acts of kindness. I was just a sophomore in high school and I was falling hard for you. I never thought we would part because you were wrapped around me and I was wrapped around you.

    I remember the first time we said I love you. We were in my bed listening to one of the CD’s you gave me and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I loved you and there was no way denying it. You turned to me with your sweet brown eyes and agreed. I never thought our happiness would fade. But it did.

    The day we graduated high school I could feel the pit in my stomach and the uneasiness that surrounded our future. We were going to different colleges and I couldn’t hold your dreams back from you. I undeniably loved every part of you, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same when we lived on opposites sides of the state. It also didn’t help that your parents decided to part ways that summer as well. I saw you slowly break apart and change right in front of me and I gave my all to mend your broken heart, but it wasn’t enough.

    You left me alone for days at a time to wait for you and I did. I gave up my whole summer just waiting for your heart to mend back together. I figured that if I could give you the love that was missing that you would be all better, but you weren’t. You stayed depressed for days during summer and I tried my best to listen and repair. You weren’t repairing though. You were falling apart when I wanted you most.

    I remember the day I came back from my weekend trip and I was so excited to be with you, but I could tell something was wrong. You looked at me with a deep sad stare and said the words that broke my heart for the first time. You said you wanted to break up because you couldn’t do long distance in college. I turned away and started running, because that is my only escape. It began pouring and it was like something out of a movie. We cried and cried together and you turned back around and wanted to work things out. I tried to forgive you, but deep down I never truly got over it. I cried about that moment all summer and it replays in my mind still to this day. I tried my best to forgive you and look forward to our future plans.

    But, The moment we went to college nothing was the same. Our first few days apart were terrifying. I craved you with every bone in my body. We called and texted and declared our longing countless times. We sacrificed our nights by skyping. I thought we were truly gonna be happy and make it, but then mistrust started to creep in both our minds. Accusations started flying and we were both getting introduced to new college roles. I wanted so bad to be accepted that I started to let go of my tight grasp on you. You became so concerned and questioned my love and loyalty. I promised that I still loved you, but deep down I started wondering the same thing. We would visit ever so often, but you started noticing a change. I was more confident and comfortable with my new life, but you were not. You often became jealous and mad. You tried to keep me by buying a promise ring and proving your love, but I was still confused to what I really wanted.

    I stuck it out and started to fall slowly back into your sweet arms, but you slowly started to push back. You became consumed by stress and your future career that you started to ignore me once again. I tried so hard to be supportive and keep up the contact, but I could just tell that you were not feeling the same anymore. You yelled on the phone one night just asking why I wouldn’t give up on us. I cried and cried realizing that you were not the same. Even worse, was what news was following. My parents were moving to another state and I would be on the other side of the country for summer. Distance just became extended to more than what we were expecting. You drew back more and more as time went on. I really needed you when I lost my house and my dog, but you were nowhere to be found.

    Our three year anniversary was coming up and I was hoping that would repair the brokeness, but the plans fell through and we didn’t even talk on the phone that day. I was expecting the break up any day now. You came back, but never messaged me that you were home. You didn’t want to meet up or talk, but I finally convinced you that we should meet. You had tears rushing down your face and I begged you one more time to stay with me. I could tell the resistance in your eyes, but you agreed. That following day when I left you hardly said goodbye and then just left. When I was in Boston you didn’t want to talk on the phone or skype with me. Just infrequent texts was all I got. My heart was bleeding out every day and I was just waiting for the break up any day.

    The day I finally heard those words I accepted it and let you go. It took every bone in my body not to fly home and beg at your feet. You did it over text message, nothing else. I thought I was more than that and our three year relationship meant more, but I guess not. I cried every day for awhile until I couldn’t cry anymore. That summer was the most I learned about how strong I was.

    When I finally arrived back at school I was healthy and happy once again. You were clear out of my mind, but slowly crept back again after four months of ghosting. I replied and slowly started to fall for the charm once more. I saw you over winter break and that’s when I thought we were going to mend things. You cried and confessed your love once more for me, but just left it at that. I was confused as to what you wanted but let it be. I wanted you still so bad.

    We remained in contact after that meet up and I thought everything was going to work out. You refused though to let me in again and just wanted to hold onto me as an option. But today, I finally let go by sending you a short message saying that I could no longer continue. I balled and balled once more as I felt my heart bleed out once again. I love you still, but I know it’s never going to be the same. I don’t even know if I was ever treated the right way, but I love you so much. I have come to recognize though that I shouldn’t have to hurt every day while I see you succeed and be happy with what we are. You can’t string me along. I love you, but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and have hurt you, but I have also been hurt as well.

    I thought you were my soulmate, my forever. But now you are nothing, but a pain in my heart. I probably will still cry for you in the future, but I will be crying for what you could’ve had. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. You were my best friend and I wanted so bad to be the one in a million high school sweethearts that last, but I guess that will have to be someone elses luck.

    I wish I could say I wish you the best, but I was the best. I’m probably going to miss you for a long time, but I hope one day that I can tell my daughter about how strong I was to get through the most hurt in my life. I have been rejected by peers all my life, but you will always be the one rejection that hurts the most.

    I guess our study hall chats and lunch room games will just have to sit in the past.

    Goodbye my forever friend and study hall lover

    -E

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