To her, my Soul Penguin (if anyone who reads this gets annoyed with improper spelling or things of that sort, dont bother. Im not perfect and either is my writting. This is a letter to the love of my life who may never see it, so obviously its to help myself. So if it comes off hypocritical or crazy so be it.)
What am I doing? I completely did this out of rationality without thinking. I took all of the things you said you’ve realized about me and wanted to run with a dream; using it to correct the flaws you have bestowed in front of me. Everything you thought I was incapable of is now just a few weeks away from being someone you thought I could never be.
Trust me when I say this, I know you thought and said all of these things to only correct the thinking you had to make believe I was no longer your soulmate. Now im moving away. What was I thinking. What am I doing. I came back for you and you pushed me away. You couldnt do it, and I understand. The timing was always a problem for us, and it still is. I pretend that you saying these things helped me realize my flaws into being a better person. Maybe I am right, so I can be even better for us when and hopefuly we do get back together. I will always remember you, and I will always love you.
Saying something over and over becomes comforting, but its the truth. Love was once something I thought I felt, until I met you i’ve realized I never felt love. I didnt have a clue what it was. I love you with every spark that ignites my heart to beat. I love everything about you. Every little detail. Its so hard now since all I want is to see you as much as possible before I leave. Its harder when you cant handle seeing me knowing that I am. Im full of shit when I say its okay talking to this new guy. As much as I know you so well and I know its just someone to talk to or void the missing piece. It just simply sucks. I asked you this morning what you were doing today and you lied. You told me later that you were out, and I had to ask if he was there. It was nice you didnt lie this time. But like I said, I know you well and I know where your heart is. Still sucks. Even knowing the last week im here youll be with him. Or just knowing he is simply there at your call. I really hope my intuitio is right. That moving away will be great for me, but that is too vague. Sure it will be a great experience going out on my own.
Im twenty-three I need to learn how to do things on my own without help. Im glad that ive found a job that provides everything I wanted from them and somewhere to grow experience with. But my intuition is that ill learn how to grow, for me and you. But then I fall back like usual into this slumpy mood. I hate not talking to you, I hate not seeing you and I hate that we arent a couple anymore. Im not going to intrude when I know you need space and I dont want to call you because I just cant bare knowing how much you might ache. However, I know the joy it brings you. Being with me and loving me. Talking to me and telling me about your day. I want you to be as proud of me and much as I am of you. I use to think some days how I was a joke. You loved me but me then was someone who felt stuck. You noticed a few weeks ago how it never was about you when I was upset. It was always my job(s) I was upset with. The poor pay, the bills I coudlnt keep up, the lack of saving from younger years to now. Thats why I am moving, I thought it was about you but it really isnt completely.
Its to get out of this hole I put myself into. Financially with school, car ect. However it goes on into me and you and the future. But thats my coping mechanism. The thought of leaving was once this exciting happiness, now it is broken down. I pray every night for your well being. That you follow your dreams, grow strong past this, that you are always safe. Most importantly that you never forget about me. Even if You or myself see or meet new people. I say myself because you mentioned that I keep thinking it is mostly going to be you, but you’re right we dont know I just cant see it happening, especially since I just cant let anyone else take the time or effort from me. When I know I love you so much and knowing the bond we have. No one has shown me that and no one else will be able to give me that. You have brought my natural self out, my goofy kid side, my intilectual thinking side. You’ve brought out of me so much but have taught me so much more. I hope you do, I hope you continue to teach me. Because like I had said, I want to learn how to be better a better lover even in my 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s and on. By the way you have the most amazing romantic ideas.
I promise I will e-mail you it is a cute idea to be able to save them for the future to look back on. But honestly, the little shit in the back of my head says its still shady. But I realize I know you and you too well and its not a shady move from your part.
Well, unfortunatly I have to be at work very early tomorrow morning. Filling in for someone last minute. I have so much running through my head every night as you can see. Now I have to also think about the letter im going to write to you to keep and the surprises I have for you. Truth is one is a sentimental idea, the other well. The other is more personal. I know you will love it, and I know you will enjoy it. I just need to figure out a way to let us break down the sad walls and emotions we both feel so that we can enjoy the surpise I have in mind.
Goodnight, and I will always love you. Everyday, there will never be a moment where I stop. It hasnt and never will. But what we feel now is just sadness and a scar. We just forget to realize how things look when we look back. When in love you look back as I did myself with you that you realize the pain isnt anger or realizing things were better off. The pain is there to show us why we fell in love in the first place. I love you.