To My Luca:
As I sit here at my computer, trying to piece together exactly how to phrase my thoughts there are only a few that are all encompassing; these are the words I will never acknowledge aloud…
I love you.
I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you tomorrow.
I love how comfortable I feel with you, in a way I have never experienced with another person. You are my comfort blanket, my rock.
I look forward to our sleepovers, the nights when you come over because I am too scared to sleep alone.
But, I am afraid. I am afraid of admitting all of this to you. I am afraid of becoming as vulnerable as I once was. I am afraid that you will understand just how fucked up it all got once you were no longer by my side. I am afraid that if you only knew how truly awful it became you will never look at me the same way. I am afraid you will begin to see me the way I once saw you.
I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for the nights I could not sleep. I forgive you for the days I could not smile. I forgive you for it all.
I will never forget what happened. I will never forget how it made me want to die. I will never forget the nightmare that became my existence.
But I also can never forget the times you made me laugh. I can never forget the times you were the one and only person I could count on. I can never forget when you were my biggest support system. I can never forget how you made me happier than I had ever been in my life.
So, Luca, this is my letter to you. I know you will never get to see the words I typed or understand the pain I carry around.
I want you to have all you can. I want you to reach your dreams and be the best version of yourself. I want you to show the world all you are and all you can be.
I believe in you. I believe in all that you can accomplis. I believe you have the strength to be anything you set your mind to, and I believe that you will experience happiness and self-fulfillment.
I want you to be happy. I want you to be with someone who loves you for all you are. I want you to be with someone who understands just how spectacular my Luca is. I want you to be with someone who understands your humor and appreciates the kindness and generosity inside your heart.
I have never met anyone quite like my Luca. You are the strangest man I have ever met, and you have the most unique perspectives on life. I love your goofiness and how you can take yourself as seriously as you choose. I love how your face lights up when you talk about something you are passionate about. I love how you can read my every emotion and instantly understand me without having to ask.
I love you.
I loved you yesterday. I love you today. I will love you tomorrow, and I will love you forever.