• Letter to Myself

    by  • March 8, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I was dumped on January 24th 2013. It is now march. almost 2 months have gone by and I am still devastated every single day. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2.5 years and had known each other even longer. We had a rough last 2 months because of my new boss at work (70+ hours often) and my inability to balance stress and lashing out at people because of my work. I also became very selfish. I have never felt the way about anyone else in my entire life as I have felt about Hayden and I never thought I could love anyone more. We fought a lot and said mean things to each other sometimes but I was always okay with that when we would apologize to each other and move on. I started listening to advice when we would fight from friends and family instead of listening to my heart and things stopped going well. I would say the past two months of our relationship were hard and I was the one who said we should take a few days to think about our relationship apart, I came back wanting to be with him desperately and work things out and he came back saying we were too different and wanting to breakup. I never got a chance to say how I felt because he spoke first when we talked about it and I was a mess after that. I wrote him a letter 2 days letter pouring my heart out to him and he had basically nothing for me except to say that it wasn’t all my fault but that I was too sensitive for him and basically boring to be his girlfriend. I think about it all the time wondering if I could have changed something and things would have gone differently for myself. I don’t know how to stop thinking these things. He still talks to me sometimes and texts me and we hang out. He continues to give me kisses when I see him as if we are on a date and we have had sex a few times since the breakup, I cannot understand why he is still toying with me and my emotions, it is basically torture. I am doing it to myself by letting him torture me. I just can’t get over the feeling that there is still something left between us that we could both work out so we could be together. I keep hoping every time I see him that maybe he will see how hard I am trying and want to change his mind. But the other half of me knows that he is so stubborn and already out of love with me that he will never change his mind. I leave every time after seeing him feeling like I just got stabbed in the chest again. I don’t know how to stop the cycle for myself. He was the one who pursued me and had to convince me to date him and now he is the one thinking I am not good enough to make him happy. Furthermore, I have an interview in 2 days for a great job where my hours would be much better but it is in Northern Virginia and the thought of working there means I will never probably bump into him again and that kills me. What sucks even more is the fact that for about a year and a half all I was dying for him to do was get a new job that required at least 40 hours a week of hard work, not like working for his step dad, and work in DC. I had dreams of being one of those couples who rode the metro into work every day and got lunch a few times a week and could go to happy hours together. Now that we broke up he all of a sudden is going to be working near where I work and everything could have come true, except it is now happening after he broke up with me and decided he no longer wants me. I have been working with a therapist and I have been trying to fix the things he said he didn’t like about me but nothing seems to be able to help me in the fact that I cannot for the life of me seem to move on from this relationship and I just want him back. I am at a loss and just plain miserable.

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