I hope you never see this letter. Do you remember the phone call so many years ago. It was just one of many turning points that has made me wonder how my life might have gone differently. I hope you don’t misunderstand, my life is fantastic. I am doing great, thriving, I have everything I ever hoped for… a beautiful wife, amazing children, a great career. After all these years I think that I am starting to figure things out, find the right balance. I even think that I am beginning to find my voice. I’m a bit more confident than I once was. Still, I am disturbed by the number of times that you have invaded my dreams and stuck in my consciousness even after waking.
As we grow older we find that the people we meet don’t seem to mean as much, they just don’t know who we are, where we came from. As adults we have it all figured out. We only show the side of us that we want others to see, our masks sometimes fit so seamlessly that even we are convinced in our disguise. I guess that is why childhood friends mean so much, they knew us before we had control, before we knew how to hide emotion. They knew us in our most awkward phases of life, and they genuinely accepted us!
I suppose there is a lot to be said about firsts. Some of the most compelling firsts aren’t what society defines as monumental. I still feel the first kiss on the cheek, and every time I lose an eyelash I think of how you were the first person to tell me that I was entitled to a wish. I made the wish that never came true, it was far too late when I realized my part in its realization. I remember a basketball game in Bountiful, a terrified boy on a first date, ice-cream that really wasn’t that great, basement birthday party, and so many others. I remember a moment frozen in time near my dentist’s office standing alone and catching your eyes just before your friend came “to the rescue”.
The hardest thing is not knowing. Not knowing which way the stock market might turn, ha, not knowing then what I think I know now. Not knowing then that you would refuse to stop haunting my otherwise peaceful sleep. Once I had a feeling, and I acted on it. I found you, I came knocking on your door. You didn’t live there anymore, but somehow you heard the knock and found me. I didn’t know then that it would be my only chance to catch your attention. Even when I had it, I let it go. A moment, and it was gone. Maybe that is why you linger in my subconscious, unresolved, without closure. When we said goodbye it was your choice not mine. Of course it was me who let you walk away, I should have let you know. Even if it changed nothing, and I wouldn’t mind a bit if it didn’t, it would have been out. It wouldn’t still be inside of me and craving an outlet.
I wish you all the best in life. I heard you got married, that you have a beautiful little family now, children of your own. I took away all the social media, all the friends I used to know. They don’t belong anymore I have a new life now, a beautiful one, one I worked very hard to deserve. You are the only one who ever put up a fight, what hurts is that it isn’t you at all. It’s a part of me, a part of me buried deep. I have no idea who you are anymore, it’s been so long. My mind only knows who it thinks you are: an angel in sleep, a demon in wakefulness.