• Agnostic

    by  • March 8, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 8 Comments

    I call myself this.

    I want to believe in a God out there. But it’s too hard. How can I when there is so much proof against it?

    I see people out there thriving on atheism, doing their best to let everyone know that all there is are atoms and star dusts, all we’re only made of.

    But why?

    For me, ever since realizing, it’s been a living hell.

    Not a day goes by without laying my head at night to rest, and crying to myself about how meaningless life is, how everyone I know will never be seen again.

    They say enjoy your time now with your loved ones.

    I can’t even look at them without thinking how it ends.

    Knowledge is terrible. It can only be taken in mediums, not whole. Dig too much and the dune will cave in on you. Like it did to me.

    I call myself Agnostic. Because I want to believe. But I can’t.

    8 Responses to Agnostic

    1. my two cents
      March 9, 2014 at 1:25 am


      Have you ever heard of St. Thomas Aquinas’ Five Ways? I always thought it irrefutable proof that God exists. Check it out if you haven’t, hope it helps.

      Also, while I don’t think I’m smart enough to understand all the technicalities of these atoms, star dust, Big Bang, etc. What I do understand is that they can still work within the framework of the Five Ways and the existence of God. There are people who think that if you give a thousand monkeys an infinity to jump on typewriters that they would produce the works of Shakespeare. (How does that saying go?) Anyway, go check out the shape of monkey feet. There is no way they could select individual keys. They would always step on keys together with others within their proximity. In short, no design that perfect can be done randomly.

      I wish you the best.

    2. tricia
      March 9, 2014 at 6:57 am

      your line on how life seems meaningless.. without God life will seem like a lonely battle. i for one believe in God and i will testify that i have been through trials and tribulations when ONLY devine intervention took place. by reading your letter i don’t believe the title fits. you want to explore God. Proof is a reason why some say that God doesn’t exist but God will l not perform miracles of enlightenment. i was struggling with an issue five years

    3. tricia
      March 9, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      oops sent before done.. anyway, five years i struggled with something and id pray forget about it, pray, forget etc, then FINALLY after devotionally reading a chapter from the bible each morning to start my day i wafelt a sense of peace, freedom from an addiction that consumed me. i thank God every night for changing my behavior.. my point is.. when we stray sway from God he allows us to see the hardship in things, that we do need his guiding strength and healing in our lives and though our time table is not Gods and we expect immediate results, stay faithful and God will bring you beauty from ashes. somewhere in you lies that faith.. dive deep, seek God and he will always be there.

    4. I've been there
      March 10, 2014 at 3:10 am

      Why is a green door green?

      Its because we know everything that it is not. We know it’s not red, nor purple, etc. We have a way to tell what color it is not, just like we have a way to tell many other things because we have something to measure them against. We have proof for what it is and what it is not. But what tool do we have to measure God is there? And what tool do we have to measure he is not there? Everything in our lives has a tool to prove what it is and what it is not. If it can’t be proven, then it also cannot be proven false as well. The smartest man said “I know nothing”

    5. John
      March 11, 2014 at 9:23 pm

      It’s ok, it is empty. I’m an atheist, never believe that bullshit, and it’s still empty at times. And meaningless. And it not very liberating believing that we’re just stardust, bound someday to be scattered to the four solar winds, with not a trace of us left, and that someday, humanity won’t be around. That empty feeling of what does it matter if I take steps to better my life, if it’s just gonna end and that’ll be it. That is it. And ya, why love? I don’t have those answers, no one does. But I wake every morning, tie my shoes, walk out that door, and persist, because I’m alive, and I’d rather enjoy the time I have. The things I live for are little and trite, like having wine with a friend once a week, some weekend race weeks from now, the idea that maybe someday I’ll go to school again attempt to better myself so I can help others in the time that I’ve got. Even if I do find incredible hard to love, and hard to connect, just that moment when I do, finally, helps.

    6. IT's nature
      March 12, 2014 at 1:36 am

      Think of Nature. It’s always on time.
      It has a perfect order. The Earth rotates around the Sun every 365.24 days. Hasn’t been off that timing for years.
      The animal kingdom doesn’t pull up at a fast food joint, but no one goes hungry.
      The seasons change bringing a rest for the farmers up north, who feed the world. Someone had to figure that part out πŸ™‚

      There was this long haired dude, looked much like Kenny Loggins, who traipsed across the landscape, talking about being good to each other. Imagine how smooth life, or human nature might play out if people just followed three or four of his predominant ideas?

      People cooperating at every level. What if they resisted any urges to step over the boundary and play for the Dark Side? By ‘those rules’ ?

      Go back in your life and replay such a scene.
      They say we have Guardian Angels. They should knock off the donut breaks an catch a few more old people who fall and break a hip.

      I think these Angels show up in human form, often at just the right time.

      It’s a more in-depth explanation than this, but miracles do happen, once you start confessing your sins.
      And then upon regonition of them, we need to ask “What have been the consequences of that ” [for you]

      If you get the big ones out, cleaned up, take 100% responsibility for them, your spirit starts growing.
      Some people have spirits, a reach or aura (internally) the size of their state.

      Once you get ‘bigger’ in that sense….and you can actually feel it, then life goes along pretty smooth.

      You are at cause over your life, and magically you find yourself in the right place, with the right people, at the right time.

      That is close to Heaven.
      When things go smooth, according to ‘your will.’

    7. @It's nature
      March 12, 2014 at 10:46 am

      I do like your comment! πŸ™‚ I am not the author of this letter but I enjoyed reading that.

    8. Nurture
      March 12, 2014 at 8:14 pm

      Really needed to read that Nature, Thank you.

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