• him.

    by  • March 5, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I was raped. Almost a year ago, I was raped. I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t know how to. I blamed myself. I was scared. He was my boyfriend at the time. I was in a delicate place and we had just started dating. He wanted sex. I never said yes, but I didn’t stop him either. It was a pain I had never experienced, more intense than I believed was imaginable. He told me to put my arms around his neck, that it would make it easier. The pain came because it was my first time, but it also came because I was afraid. My body was trying to push him away, but he wouldn’t let me. He didn’t stop. He asked me how it was after he finished. When I wanted to leave to go back to my place for the night he said he “felt bad” that he wasn’t “the kind of guy who just has sex with you and then sends you away.” I cried that night.

    I carried that around with me for seven or eight months. Because that’s just what girlfriends do, right? He continued to manipulate me. He blamed me for all of our fights. Out of nowhere he broke up with me. We got back together, broke up, etc. for a few weeks. And finally I had the heart to tell someone. One of my closest friends. And then I told someone else. Finally, I told my best friend. He already knew.

    My rapist had told a lot of his friends out of fear that I would tell someone and get him in trouble. He had told them that I was saying he raped me but it was all lies. One of those friends told my best friend. I didn’t even have that right anymore. He already knew.

    As much as that tore me apart, it let me see the true colors of a lot of people. My best friend stood by my side, and still does. He understands when there are moments that I just can’t let anyone touch me. He knows my triggers. He follows me out of the room when the wrong song starts playing or one of his roommates unknowingly says the wrong thing.

    My point is this: find that best friend. We’re all struggling with something. Maybe it’s bigger than this, maybe it’s smaller. It doesn’t matter what it is. it’s something and it matters. Find the people who will see you through it and help you come out stronger because they’re the ones worth fighting for. The ones that fight for you.

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