• The Meanest Words I ve Ever Wrote: But I Had To

    by  • March 4, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 3 Comments

    It was so wrong, I know…i had to close my eyes n think of things i’ve felt about people i despise and remove you from my thoughts, but i said those horrible things to you. So now i’ve lied to,twice really…first, with every word i said because i had to put an end to your games, it hurts too bad. You showed me it was nothing more than years of me dreaming but, you didn’t share that same dream with me.i saw, i felt it and no matter how bad i prayed our true reality would change my dreams into nothing more than delusions, it didn’t. I still believe it or maybe i just want to.no matter what you did, i never loved you any less.and couldn’t believe that all those years apart and still loving you the same could be for nothing…but it started to seem that i may have had it all wrong.so i had to say those horrible things to you…not just to protect my heart but because that dream is what gave me hope for half my life, its precious to me and even if it is a delusion id rather be able to believe its real…before it was completely proven wrong, which i fear is the case, i had to say those horrible things…to make sure you couldn’t destroy how much i’ve always loved you……

    3 Responses to The Meanest Words I ve Ever Wrote: But I Had To

    1. Yes, but I do know this much
      March 4, 2014 at 7:17 am

      Narcissists are Addicted to the High They Get from Harming Others

      Kathy Krajco helps explain to me why these people do what they do. It describes the quality of an on/off sexual affair that I had for 2-1/2 years that had a very addictive quality to it. Both of us wanted to let go at different times (always one or the other of us), but the difference is that this person — an attractive, charismatic and very narcissistic male with a tremendous amount of pride, low self-esteem and guilt — was verbally abusive. I never could get through to this person that he needed to be cordial and kind in public. He never could even just grasp the concept, let alone behave properly.

      The abuse was his way of showing other people that he wasn’t in love with me and that it wasn’t a committed or a real relationship, even though everyone knew we were involved over a period of many months (over 30). It was only after a process of intense journaling for several months that I understood I was not actually in love with this person and that I didn’t actually want him to fall in love with me.


    2. hmm
      March 4, 2014 at 12:39 pm

      Interesting method and very familiar to me. Overprotective action can be effectively destructive. I understand you so well.

      In my case I can’t say that I had a precise dream right from the start, but there was always something that kept me going. Sometimes I had flashes and signs appeared along the way, but I was always in hurry and didn’t find peace and silence for long enough. There was always something that kept me busy and I did not dare to question too many things. It was rooted deep down in my subconscious mind. Self-imposed isolation (call it foolishness from an outside perspective) and a brief encounter helped me to see clearer.

      It came in waves and in the end my explosive nature was raw and devilish. Shattering irony, but fair somehow.

    3. gosh
      March 4, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      this is the saddest thing I have ever read. just horrible.

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