Reflecting. Endlessly reflecting on everything that has happened has been my lot for quite some time now. I still can’t piece together everything. If I stick to facts, all that I am sure about is how I feel. And then there is this other feeling, more a thought process, quite proverbial, that is telling me that I should not regret things I have no control of, especially if I have given it my all. But, was there a way for everything to have worked out – a path not taken? In reality, there was not much that I did, but I did take the correct steps – the steps that everyone takes at first. Steps that would lead to the actual work and effort, as it were. But like filing an application form for the job and getting stonewalled before actually being able to interview, was there something more I could have done? Should I just go out and get another job? The thing is, I wasn’t really given a rejection letter; I just haven’t received a response. It is the kind of place where you fill out an electronic application and press send, no recruitment center to go to, no face to face contact to gauge reactions. I know the longer I wait for a response, the more likely it is that there will never be one, that this is just an implied ‘no’. This is what’s driving me crazy. I won’t be able to let go of the dream job without an explicit rejection or I will always have this small hope inside of me – a hope that won’t allow me to move on. Really, I should take the hint, I’ve tried following up a few times with HR and still nothing. But you have to understand, this is the only one I truly want, the one desire I have secretly held onto in one way or another for so long. It is a truly amazing job, the kind of place where working wouldn’t feel like work. I would be so happy, rushing to work always, spending more time than I have to. I would have given it my all at the interview… and of course at the job! Should I do it as in the movies – wait for the CEO at their house, go up and shout: “You don’t really know me, but I really want this, give me a chance!” It only works in the movies. If I were to do this in real life, I would be blacklisted forever. The alternative, take this, lick my wounds, and wait for an opportune time. Perhaps I may have a more favorable resume by then? Or maybe they would be in hiring season in the future. Or perhaps, I would be given a chance simply due to luck and a favorable whim. Or maybe, it will never come… Of course, I can’t be jobless forever. People need to make a living. So perhaps I will be forced to have to settle at a decent enough firm. I am pretty sure I can find a job somewhere, I am qualified enough on paper. Although maybe I have to accept that I’m not of the caliber required by the dream job. You see, it is a pretty prestigious firm with cream of the crop applicants. But I just don’t want to accept another job without letting the idea of this go and completely extinguishing the hope, so I can fully commit to the other. Because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, if I ever get the chance, I would come flying to THE firm, dropping everything else, ditching everything else, burning bridges, leaving others hanging. That is not the kind of person I am. If I am to settle, I want to know for sure I can turn my back on the dream. Now that in itself is a dream – no, not a dream, but at least, not reality. The dream is the dream. It owns me, not the other way around. I do wish for it to work out with everything that I am. Of course, they probably would have a booth at the next job fair. But it is so difficult to wait when you really want something with all your heart. Besides, I fear that it would be the same application process except with a million other applicants, some small talk and a few polite smiles, not really my forte. Then maybe they would be there only for promotional purposes and not really for hiring. Are they freezing hiring at the moment? In the meantime, I am in limbo, neither here nor there.