And so, here we are again. I don’t know what we are trying to hold onto; regret? denial? delusion? I do think I love you. I must love you. I wouldn’t put myself through this otherwise. Not for a second. I used to be independent; not exactly a feminist but a strong woman nonetheless. I had my army; my friends who were just as bored of one-night stands and dubstep night clubs as I was. But we had each other. So no matter what happened or no matter who hurt us, we were together. United. A sisterhood who could laugh with one another and assure ourselves that we weren’t going insane. But I have lost that. This is no fault of yours. It’s not even mine. Sure, I began to chose you over them during the months that we fell in love. But then again, we all went our separate ways. Life gets in the way of life too often than people care to admit. And so, I fell deeply into your world. Into your arms, your safety and reassurance, your utter devotion to me. You were beautiful. So perfect. I have never felt such love and security from a man before in my life. And better yet, we understood each other. We knew exactly how to make one another laugh and also how to piss the other off. It was as if I had found a bond like that of a soulmate. I never wanted to leave you. What bliss, to be in love with a man and for him to love you back; equally, truly, madly. But there is something about you and I. Danger and dread tends to follow us. We began to harm each other. It was the worst pain imaginable, pain that I still hold onto. And now we are in this dysfunctional, uncertain type of limbo where we cannot be with or without each other.
I just want to feel beautiful. I don’t want the doubts, the fear, anxiety, paranoia, jealousy. It kills me inside. It destroys me. I feel as if my personality is being taken away from me. How is it so hard for me to believe that you love me? How has it gotten this bad? Did I always act this way? I never used to be a jealous person. And as much as you like to admit it, I do believe that it stems from your betrayal with me, when you destroyed me by saying that you were attracted to another girl. You wanted someone else. I was not enough. But of course, I am no martyr. I have brought my own poison into this tragic love tale.
Maybe my insecurity stems from the fact that you can choose when you care about me. It is not all the time, it is not dependable. YOU ARE NOT DEPENDABLE!! You fucking prick. I hate you sometimes for how you make me feel. I hate myself more for letting you. I need to get out of this. I want to exist without you. Without this love or lack thereof. I want unconditional love. After all, aren’t we all looking for a partner?
You are not my soulmate, as much as I want you to be, as much as I sometimes think I need you to be. My soulmate would never make me feel like this. He would never leave me to cry for the hours I have. I have to forget you. I need to get out of this rut. I am so disillusioned with life, with love! What a lie love is! Love is not all we need, not from a partner anyway. We need trust, forgiveness, care, grace. You are making me miserable. I can’t keep doing this, i won’t keep doing this. God give me strength!
So you are right my almost lover. You are not enough for me. As much as I want you to be, you are not the one. I don’t want you to have possession of my heart any longer. I don’t think you deserve it. So let’s play this little game. Think you have control. Think you have me back. . This is not a love story. This is a battle. I am fighting for my heart back.