• My Turn.

    by  • March 1, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 1 Comment

    You have written me two letters now. I feel it is my turn.

    You turned me into a stoner. I was never into drugs before I met you. Yes i said drugs, because weed is a drug regardless what anyone says, not necessarily a bad one, but it is a drug. Before I met you I would have never guessed for a year of my life I would have been so dependent on weed.

    I think for a good majority of our relationship weed held us together. I don’t mean that to hurt you, but it did. My focus was getting high. No matter what we were doing
    as long as we were high i was okay with it.

    In those letters you got me i never understood some of the things you said. You said you felt at one point I was holding you back. i think that hurt the most.
    i wanted you to succeed so i could show you off. you were already an artist and i was proud of that, seriously. i was so proud. but than you felt i was holding you back. why? what did I do? all i ever wanted was your approval for me as an artist. was that what it was? that i wasn’t ‘good enough’ to your standards.

    because that’s what i felt like.
    for so long all i wanted was your respect
    i wanted to feel you approved of me
    that you saw my work as not just as my ‘homework’
    but as an artist. but you never did. or at least i never felt it.

    I wonder if you ever paid attention to what i said. I’m very passive as a person, in a relationship, and i say that because as a regular friend I don’t let people walk all over me. but i let you. and I think that was my fault and where our problems began.

    when i first met you, all of your life was so new! Weed, shrooms, painting, sex. it was exciting. although to people reading this that probably doesn’t sound too great. but it was for me. i was so excited to have found you.

    i’ve told you before. i was a part of your life. but you weren’t apart of mine. i loved your friends, how close they were. i’ve always wanted that. i was envious of it, but apparently that caused jealousy for you. which is fucking ironic because you never gave a shit about anything until a few weeks ago.

    it’s really sad the way we ended.
    i’m seriously sorry that it ended with a phone call that you were too hungover for.

    but you started it. and i decided that was it. and that was enough.
    i drove past your car tonight. just to see if you were home. you only live in the first circle of our apartments.

    i really am sad about us. but i can do better. and i will do better. because i deserve better.

    One Response to My Turn.

    1. was there once
      March 1, 2014 at 12:05 pm

      This letter really affected me. I was once in that type of situation. But it was harder drugs. For a time I blamed my ex but the truth is taking drugs are our own choice. You did not ever have to smoke weed. You chose. Now when I made my choice to do drugs I thought it was because that was the only way to stay close to my boyfriend at the time. But instead of one person becoming addicted, we became two. It wasn’t until I completely left the situation and helped myself that anything became positive again. You don’t know me, but I am extremely sympathetic to your letter. And that is why telling you this truth – that it was your own decision to do drugs. Never theirs. Yes if you never met them you might have never started, but you did. You chose your own path. Once you accept that and really take responsibility it is the shortest route to healing. It doesn’t make you weak to admit your faults, it makes you strong. I wish you good luck sincerely.

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