You have written me two letters now. I feel it is my turn.
You turned me into a stoner. I was never into drugs before I met you. Yes i said drugs, because weed is a drug regardless what anyone says, not necessarily a bad one, but it is a drug. Before I met you I would have never guessed for a year of my life I would have been so dependent on weed.
I think for a good majority of our relationship weed held us together. I don’t mean that to hurt you, but it did. My focus was getting high. No matter what we were doing
as long as we were high i was okay with it.
In those letters you got me i never understood some of the things you said. You said you felt at one point I was holding you back. i think that hurt the most.
THERE WAS NOTHING MORE THAN ALL I WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO SUCCEED.
i wanted you to succeed so i could show you off. you were already an artist and i was proud of that, seriously. i was so proud. but than you felt i was holding you back. why? what did I do? all i ever wanted was your approval for me as an artist. was that what it was? that i wasn’t ‘good enough’ to your standards.
because that’s what i felt like.
for so long all i wanted was your respect
i wanted to feel you approved of me
that you saw my work as not just as my ‘homework’
but as an artist. but you never did. or at least i never felt it.
I wonder if you ever paid attention to what i said. I’m very passive as a person, in a relationship, and i say that because as a regular friend I don’t let people walk all over me. but i let you. and I think that was my fault and where our problems began.
when i first met you, all of your life was so new! Weed, shrooms, painting, sex. it was exciting. although to people reading this that probably doesn’t sound too great. but it was for me. i was so excited to have found you.
i’ve told you before. i was a part of your life. but you weren’t apart of mine. i loved your friends, how close they were. i’ve always wanted that. i was envious of it, but apparently that caused jealousy for you. which is fucking ironic because you never gave a shit about anything until a few weeks ago.
it’s really sad the way we ended.
i’m seriously sorry that it ended with a phone call that you were too hungover for.
but you started it. and i decided that was it. and that was enough.
i drove past your car tonight. just to see if you were home. you only live in the first circle of our apartments.
i really am sad about us. but i can do better. and i will do better. because i deserve better.