• by  • March 1, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    I still find myself breaking down in tears daily, some days it’s only a moment and then it passes, others, it’s a full down on the floor breakdown. After so long, I am circling through every memory in my head, wondering why I couldn’t have been the one you loved. I wanted to be the one that you took to your family, I wanted to be the one that you brought flowers to, I wanted to be with you. Only because you were you. I feel like I want to die when I think about it, when I think that I could never love someone else because I have put so much of my heart into you. Or that, because you were never able to love me after all that time, that no one else will either. And you, you just dismiss me like you don’t care at all, or ever did.

    One Response to

    1. @author
      March 3, 2014 at 5:32 am

      Unfortunately, I can relate. I could have wrote this word for word. Its so unfair when person your in a relationship fails to notice the good in you, the qualities about you that made a difference in their life and how you really feel about them. It really does break a persons heart to know that they would do anything for the person they truly love and genuinely care for…and they lead you on for so long and only to focus on how “imperfect” you are to them while the obvious pain you feel from that is dismissed. Its crushing to feel like your feelings are not worth as much to them as theirs is as if you dont hurt just the same or feel joy just the same and they feel that their feelings is supposed to be the only priority. Meanwhile, they are the ones that leave. They are the ones that start the fighting and drama that comes with the breakup, making the break up experience more horrible then it already was…and then just leaving it that way with no closure and not seeing the fact that their destroying someone that loves them and not seeing that your emotions are just as important to you and theirs is to them and all the while you cared so much about their feelings as if they actually were your own and they barely noticed yours. In my case, he noticed my feelings. He saw that I was devastated and in a moment of weakness and he took that as an opportunity to maximize the pain and the things he said and did to me were the most horrifying and cruelest things anyone has ever put me through. I can honestly say that I cant think of anything anyone else has ever done to wrong me that was worse then the reign of terror and hatred that he purposely took advantage of me in the situation and buried me beneath the countless unusually cruel and crippling things he made me endure for months on end. Im not the one that second guessed my feelings for him. Im not the one that led him on. Im not the one that left the relationship. Im not the one that filled myself with rage and hatred for absolutely no reason and unnecessarily devoured everything he is and felt about himself. Im not the one that gave up on him. I wasnt the one focusing on flaws while thats all he cared to notice. I genuinely appreciated him and the relationship we had. I was devoted to him and sincerely comitted but its hard to show someone that when they badger you with every stupid meaningless thing they dont appreciate about you. Its hard to connect..be romantic and be affectionate to someone who spends all of his time talking about you behind your back whenever your not around…not to mention being sneaky as if it would never get back to you and when confronted, they act as if they are mentally retarded and dont know what your talking about. Then he would project it on me as if im the liar and betraying bitch when him and I both knew he just got called out on his bullshit and lied. I dont know what the end of your relationship all entailed but if they cant value you for what they are too fucking negative and miserable with themselves to see in you, then you are too good for him and he is a fool. I know I am far beyond too good for my ex and I am just as much of a fool as him for accepting so so sooo much less from him then I was willing to give to him and he is a dumbass for taking me for granted and molding the relationship into the negative thing it became. His constant negativity and picking at me about every little fucking thing I said and did sucked the life out of our relationship while he was always fishing for a compliment and getting showered with them whether he was looking for one or not. I havent gotten a compliment from him…in three years but he has the nerve to punish me if an old boyfriend sent me a message on facebook and told me how cute I was looking. Its not like I hit him up. Its not like I had control over the fact that this person decided to send me a message. Its not like I even wanted to hear from the scumbag. Hell, the picture he was complimenting me on was 2 years old so its not like ive been updating my profile picture in attempt to show myself off in hopes that he would notice. But Christ, dont get mad at me because I get compliments or comments that make me feel a little good about myself from an ex I have nothing to do with more often then he was willing to make me feel good. Ill never accept less from amyone again. I will always love him because it was really my first real true love..I just wish I knew what real true love felt like when you genuinely feel that way about someone and so do they. Ill save that experience for the one who deserves all of me like I gave to him and that way, I will have no reason to ever look back. It just really fucking sucks because I really wanted it to be him. I really really wanted him to be the one.

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