• I keep telling myself you’re dead

    by  • February 9, 2014 • To You • 2 Comments

    You’re gone. 3 Years later my heart still breaks as if it were just yesterday. You died in Afghanistan. I still hold all those memories so close- sights, smells and scenes play out over and over that never fade and never weaken. Nervously holding hands, our last kiss in the airport…The beautiful summer we spent everyday together. Sitting underneath the stars, sharing silence, yet feeling so whole. Your eyes welled as you told me you loved me. I felt safe in your arms. You made me feel complete. The thought of that day, sitting next to you in that big pick up truck and realizing that I was so deeply in love with you, still sends shivers down my spine. I miss you so god damn much. I cry, and I beg- Please come back to me, please come home. But I am alone. Your dog tags, our pictures, the diamond ring. They’re all put away, I cant even look at them with out falling apart.

    3 Years ago, you died in Afghanistan. You came home, living, breathing…But I have to tell myself you’re dead. Your heart decomposed, your compassion withered, your soul deteriorated. The sparkle in your eyes was gone. You abused me and your family- physically, emotionally, verbally. We begged and begged and pleaded with tears in our eyes. You refused the help. We tried. We tried so hard. God knows we fucking tried.

    Please come back to me. I’ll wait for you. “Forever and always”.

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    2 Responses to I keep telling myself you’re dead

    1. tricia
      February 9, 2014 at 11:57 am

      im sorry to hear about the loss of your loved one. i don’t believe the rreality of losing someone truly ever seeps in. our hearts don’t want to accept the pain we endure from it. as hard as it may be and the amount of times ppl will say, “he/she died a hero,” they did. and that legacy will live on in their place. i pray God heals your internal wounds and provides you with peace. again, sorry for your loss.


    2. Pls accept my deepest sympathies
      February 9, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      May I be kindly acknowledge your loss, as many of these posts have begun to make tears shed.
      It just happened on the post above where the person lost their dear Grandmother.

      In a sense, the deep loss I suffered, has taken it’s toll, as I tend to emote when I see anything resembling the loss of love. Your pain must be especially difficult and I can easily understand.

      This is such a large subject, it would be impossible to address in this forum. When we have more suicides than combat losses, this is an alarming statistic. For every returning vet, there must be at least 8 (est) family members who are deeply affected at a psychological level. Spouses, the poor children, the parents on both sides,

      I have studied this issue, in fact. The only treatment that I have come across that begins to return the soldier/citizen back to a state of ‘wholeness’ is used in limited numbers…where it –must– become the standard modality or model for all: It’s a technique where the patient is counseled in a manner that involves a ‘mental review’ of the experiences they saw/lived during battle or the smoke clearing where the reality of war became too much for the psyche.

      The link isn’t exactly what I’ve read, but it’s in the ballpark of the concept. More effective is just a private session (group session as a lesser but effective alternative) where the patient is taken back to the ‘incident’ and reviews every detail, every emotion experienced, every ‘shock’ to their system, etc.
      There is some unexplained phenomenon that with enough review, contacting the horror (that still lives inside of your loved one) and mentally touching these emotions once more, the trauma associated with that (one) instance, begins to lessen.

      In other words, the mind can be brought to the point where they can ‘handle it.’

      I would estimate each soldier who has these mental wounds, would have 5-25 ‘incidents’ that need this type of treatment.

      The best thing we could do is create awareness, be it a Facebook page, a radio show (these can be purchased) internet radio with guests who actively deliver this kind of treatment …..to the point where pressure can be put on politicians to make this the standard part of the recovery process.

      Currently, these poor guys are sent to psychiatrists who prescribe non effective medicine and are told to return in a few months. It’s criminal how this is handled and it will take citizens and families who are experiencing what you are, to get laws changed to finally correct this total act of negligence.

      The entire situation is a terribly unfortunate reality of ‘The Military Industrial Complex’ that Eisenhower warned about in his farewell speech. DDD, later President before JFK, knew a little something about war.

      I wish I could be of more help.

      (Google ‘reliving war experiences + effective treatment for soldiers)
      He commanded all US forces in Europe during WWII
      Additional info
      Cost to US of Iraq and Afghan wars could hit $6 trillion
      The cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan could reach as high as $6 trillion dollars – or $75,000 for every household in America – a new study from Harvard University has found.

      The report, which builds on estimates in 2010 by Prof Bilmes and the Nobel laureate Joseph E. Stiglitz, highlights the stunning rise in long-term cost of treating veterans who both survive in greater numbers and seek treatment for a wider selection of ailments from back pain to post-traumatic stress disorders. (telegraph-UK)




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