• To the one I’m with, and to the one I want

    by  • February 1, 2014 • To You • 0 Comments

    To the one I’m with:

    Over eight years have passed since we first met. I was so lonely then. The thing is I still am lonely. Every day has pretty much seemed to be the same as the last with you. WE, never do anything together! WE, never have. The only thing tying us together is our son, and adopted daughter. This past fall, when we broke up, I knew I was making the right choice for myself and for our son. Here’s why: I fell out of love with you a long time ago after years of me trying to be there for you and you pushing me away. I love YOUR son, but after eight years of him and I butting heads; him not respecting me as a parent; him regularly reminding me that I’m not his father; and him just being mouthy and belligerent with both of us ALL THE TIME, I can’t stand being around him. I’m tired of how you let him get away with this crap all the time. I’m also tired of how you’re constantly on our daughters case! Yeah she’s going through a stage where she lies, and sneaks, and does things you tell her not to, but she’s EIGHT YEARS OLD! Spend some quality time with HER once in a while and make her feel appreciated for fuck sake!

    I am beyond fed up with the fact that every time my family visits, you get pissed or offended over something that one of them said or did and put me in the position as moderator between you and them. You’re family lives five miles away! You can see them ANY TIME YOU WANT. My family members are all upstate or out of state and I’m lucky if I get to see them ONCE IN A YEAR! Hell, I haven’t seen my older brother and sister for about THREE YEARS! Yet YOU choose to pick a fight when they visit, rather than allow me to enjoy spending time with them? I can’t get over that! It’s horrible for you to do that to me and them! I HATE YOU FOR THAT!

    I might be good for you, but you are NOT GOOD FOR ME. All we have anymore really is sex, occasionally. We did counseling, I started taking meds, and after four months of being on the meds and my dysthymia symptoms have pretty much gone away, my feelings for you or lack thereof, have not changed. You’re a good woman, but not the kind of good that I need. I am sorry but I can’t keep living this lie.

    To the one I want:

    I am so scared. For the last three years of my current relationship, I’ve felt empty. Then I started working with you. I don’t understand how I can feel so strongly for someone that I’ve known for such a short time. We never did anything except talk, in fact! Yet it was exhilarating! NO woman has ever been able to get me to talk like you. I felt safe, you didn’t judge me for my many flaws. For once in my life I felt LIKED by a female, not NEEDED! And now, you act like I’ve done something wrong, like you don’t like me at all. You always rush past me, and even though you are always friendly when you quickly say hello, it seems like you’d rather I not be there. Did I do something? I’ve never laid a hand on you, and I’ve never come close to hitting on you.

    I started feeling this way over the summer and it has grown, and it has stayed, even after I started taking antidepressants (which suggests to me that the feelings have nothing to do with my dysthymia). For a long time these feelings put my head in a wonderful place, but now it’s like a roller coaster! I feel great, then awful, up, then down. I feel crazy sometimes! The other day, when we actually spoke sentences to each other, I felt so happy that you had more to say than just hi. Now, I just feel awkward. I really want to get to know you better, but you already have someone. And I doubt that you’re in the same BOAT as I am where that’s concerned. I’m not the kind of man who tries to get in between two people. I would never expect you to leave him for me. And don’t be confused! As much as I want to leave her, you are not a cause of it. You are just someone that I wish I met before I met her. Just another one of life’s lessons I guess. I was in a rush when I met her, you can’t rush love.

    You can talk to me, or not. I am hurting in so many ways right now and I really need a friend, but I understand if you wouldn’t want to risk it. I won’t seek you out for conversation again. If you want to talk to me you know where I’ll more than likely be. If not, then I guess you can just keep avoiding me. I’m so sorry about this craziness and I’m not trying to be hurtful with any of my words. For the past two days, I went to work hoping that we would talk, maybe laugh, maybe cry. But on both days I went home feeling less optimistic, and it’s not your fault. It’s mine, for getting my own hopes up. I’ll never meet another like you. You’re wonderful! Take care.

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