It’s so hard to start this, I guess I start by saying i’m not happy. I’m not happy with where we are, i’m not happy with who I am when i’m with you. God I truly want to be happy when i’m with you but I just can’t get myself to be. I want so much more from you and me than what is there right now. And I know no physical thing will change that only our words and actions. These past three years have been great, but I feel like these past few months we have just drifted away from each other, that there is nothing left, and deep down I know that isn’t true.
There’s this guy I met, he makes me feel alive and I can tell him anything, I tell him all the things I should be telling you and I know that’s bad, but I can’t seem to tell you because I feel like you don’t listen and you don’t understand. I know your frustrated with me right now and that just makes me drift farther away. i feel like I have told you before what I need but that it falls on deaf ears. That my dreams and aspirations aren’t important, that we are in two completely different places. I want to be in the same place as you but i’m also not willing to give up on my dreams and future. I’ve asked you in different ways before on different occasions what do you want from life, where do you want to be, all I ever get is I want to have a ski hill, well that means nothing, there is no hope no life, no passion in your words. I feel like the life is dragged out of you sometimes, I want to dream big and feel passion and make a difference, and I feel like you just drag me down, and make me feel like what I have now is enough, I want more than enough, I want to life every day to the fullest.
These past few trips i’ve gone away I haven’t missed you, i’ve enjoyed myself more than I have in a long time, and that’s sad it’s sad because I want to miss you I want to feel like every second I want to talk to you to know you but I don’t. I love being the person I am without you, but there is something that still wants to share that person with you, that fun and interesting, deep and profound me that seems to stay inside when your around. I know it doesn’t have to stay hidden, but I feel like I have no reason to be that person around you, nothing makes you excited, nothing fires you up. I want you to be so excited you cant stop talking about it, but now all you can’t stop talking about is the shit that happened at work. I don’t fucking care what happens at work, I want to care about what we do when were not working, where you go when you daydream. I don’t share what happens at work because I don’t think the mundane shit is important, I want to go deeper with you I want to know you opinions your beliefs, and if you have none shape them. I truly don’t remember the last time I had a meaningful intellectual conversation with you, it infuriates me that I can’t talk and dig deep into the social and political problems like I want to when you don’t understand what i’m saying, you just agree and we move onto whatever the fuck show your watching. I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what to do, I want to be with you and live the life I dream but I am slowly losing hope that you will be able to join me on those dreams, and I don’t know what to do.