I’m ignoring you for a reason. Even this letter here, I feel unable to send you directly because already I’m too open.. I’m too vulnerable, given my situation. All of my emotions and feelings have been strained over this past year. I’ve been incredibly lonely and stressed and frustrated regularly. My lover lives far away and we don’t talk as much as we wish we could, and we see each other even less. I think the total amount of times we’ve physically been together amounts to six in the last 13 months.
But this causes an insatiable desire of reaching out and filling that lingering void to grow, and I fear that taking me down roads that should not even exist.
It took an intoxicated me (although not entirely drunk I don’t think) to even reply to your message. Initially I’d discarded it to avoid the temptation, but after a few beers, I let it get the best of me and I dug it up and sent my own message. Even then, when I was sober, the residue of that conversation remained and I gave you an opportunity to talk to a sober me. Thank God, perhaps, that you never got around to it. After the weekend I blocked you again because this is as it should be.
I don’t know what kind of life you’re living now or what sort of healing has taken place in it, but while I have moved on from you and started anew with someone else, I see only regression and reopening of scars in our contact that will make me attempt to seek comfort and intimacy from any source I think I can find it. And yes, given our history, that includes you.
I know you care and are curious as to the life I’ve made and you wish to share your own experiences I am sure. I don’t recall the exact direction our conversation headed, but where we left off is where it should stop. I care about you as well, and.. well.. that’s part of the problem. As the cliche goes: It’s not you; it’s me, and it couldn’t be more true. I’ve got more issues here than I know how to handle, and I fear you’d only add to them, through no fault of your own.
I think that’s all I have to say. I apologize if I’ve offended you by cutting contact again. I do wish well and am sure you’ll be successful where ever the hands of God will lead you.