I’ve always felt a helpful lack of social judgement, so I guess I have to write my letter to you to make this work, even if my belief in you isn’t the strongest.
Lately, I’ve found myself trapped in a mental spider-web. I always knew my childhood would bite me in the ass one day. I worked so hard at putting myself in a situation where it couldn’t that I tired myself out and wound up here, drug-worn and weary, talking to you.
Today my mind woke with a relentless intention to fix what is wrong with me. I am sick of living in worry. After poking and prodding at what the issue could be, I found it in a rather embarrassing situation. I have always been so insecure… we need to start from the beginning.
Growing up I never had a father figure. The men in my childhood were all terrible people. I was raised in a house of women who hated men, and I had to agree with them: men were dicks. I stumbled through life a little different than most guys. I was weary of men, and comfortable around women. Which, as a child to a child, makes you look gay. It’s anxiety. The only problem was, I wasn’t gay; I’d been through a lot of violence.
It’s hard to explain the predicament I found myself in as a child. Girls were the gender I most associated with due to awful male role models, yet girls were the gender I craved sexually from a very very young age. Which made me feel confused and wrong about my sex drive.
In high school, some kids teased me saying I was gay. It affected me a lot because I was aware of my social shortcomings. It never became a big enough issue for me to solve, however, as my need for role models helped me socialize, making me popular enough to not have to care. And then after first year, being comfortable around women turned out to be a good thing too.
Later in life, a friend dies. And a depression hits. And to keep a girlfriend I do a very stupid thing.
Mozart chopped his ear off. I stopped enjoying talking to other women as an example of my commitment to a girlfriend who wanted to leave me through during this depression. I always flirted so much. And out of nowhere this stupid ‘I’m different’ issue pops up again. Eventually she leaves me and I’m stuck in this depressed rut where emotion is bottled to the point where it is never touched upon. People aren’t interacted with. Drugs helped. Drugs help every situation, which is why they’re so dangerous in the wrong hands.
I’ve been failing with women ever since I disconnected from them. This has made me very lonely, and my situation only grew worse. Eventually I start acting differently in front of my male friends out of embarrassment, and I become someone I loathe. I forgot how to flirt… how to feel it, not just do it. I felt embarrassed by my want to.
So that’s it. It sounds stupid but that’s my only issue. It’s been so big to me that it’s been ruining my life. Tonight, God, I learnt that my life is mine to live how I please. My life has been full of so many insecurities; and for no reason, because I am who I am. At the end of the night when we’re all intoxicated and merry, who really gives a fuck?