• To YOU, I LOVED you, HOW could You?

    by  • September 25, 2013 • To You • 0 Comments

    This is how I much you mean to me & how much I feel for you! A Macedonian Woman who captivated my very soul…

    Many men would say you are beautiful for your looks
    They would be right for you are more than beautiful
    For me your beauty was the way in which we connected
    Our souls were entwined before we had even met
    It’s was more than fate we were destined to be
    I like believe & to remember it as unfolding like that
    Here writes the luckiest man in the entire world
    For who has ever had the fortune to love
    Love at first sight & the energy that surrounded us
    We were in our own world & that world was heavenly
    Not infatuation or lust or addictions.
    I cannot explain it or answer why & how
    My gut feelings had always been right so far
    to go with the flow was an understatement
    Never before had I given my heart so easily or quickly
    Nor shall I ever again for love like that comes once in a life time
    I know no other soul this has happened too
    Blessed we were for how else could we explain it
    I would have had it no other way or change anything
    How we met…
    The very beginning once I asked for your number
    The Daily hour long phone calls we made
    One night we talked for over three hours straight
    Back & forth sometimes many times a day
    Two weeks flew past & the intensity grew every call
    We shared all our secrets & desires & we hadn’t even met
    I was shitting myself as what happened to mystery
    letting it slowly be revealed to increase the suspense
    What if she or I don’t like each other when we meet
    Our busy creative souls had previous engagements
    Patience was of the essence & this only made me want you more
    Both have good friends aplenty for both outgoing & popular
    We were so similar for our tastes places & events visited
    theatre family outings culturally too art galleries
    an affinity with the ocean we had both being water signs
    Who meets a stranger & have so many identical tastes
    To think for years we would have crossed paths over & over

    The date was set with much anticipation by both
    Mesmerized & memorized forever it is etched as the best date ever
    I highly doubt there will be another date like what we shared
    The scene was set at that bar that was first of many,
    Within half an hour I courageously couldn’t contain myself,
    To kiss a woman on the lips tenderly & WOW,
    It was mere moments but time stopped there & then,
    Who was this woman what am I doing stop thinking,
    I fell in love with you right there & then,
    I didn’t doubt or think WTF no it felt right
    Our souls had unknowingly made a pact
    as we had subconsciously already consented to each other
    Since we felt we had met in a previous lifetime
    Remember why I was slightly nervous
    I was so nervous for I had thought aloud
    That how would we be able to resist kissing
    I rarely feel modest & that evening I was blushing
    Thankfully the lights were dimmed
    For you had challenged me over the phone
    Me being the man who was bedazzled by you
    was why we both fell so hard so quick as I unequivocally did,
    I never fell for a woman especially one I had yet to met!
    For me those two weeks of hour long phone calls back and forth,
    Why I fell in love with YOU…

    That is why I knew why I loved you before we even met. Ihave loved before but never loved loke the love we had for each other. What we had was so unique & real for you always were concerned I said how beautiful you are? Yes you are beautiful. For me I saw the real beauty for who you are…The beautiful heart, mind, soul which resides in you. That is why I always said you are beautiful & I think you mistook that for being superficial or physically speaking.
    Yes I tried hardner than you believed?

    You believed I never listened to your concerns? I tried so hard to understand your wants & needs, I listened more than you thought for when I didn’t see you for a few days or nights it is all I thought of for I didn’t know what I did wrong? It is hard for a man to better himself, change because he wants to for himself & to prove to his partner he is a man of statue. I tried so hard to be more & I believe you expected me to change overnight or quickly. It takes time to make a positive & permanent change when evolving? Did you realise how few men willingly & wantingly make changes? Most men don’t? I am noyt one of those many. I am the man that loves you uncondiionally. That is how much you meant to me.

    I never asked you to change for I loved every part of who & what you were. It pains me to say this to you as I know how much you can’t handle critism? Whether it be true or constuctive? I only asked to be reassured as you had way to many male friends? I’m not the jealous type & let you do your thing till I had gut feelings about one or two male friends. You even said they loved you…wanted to marry you when they first met you? Come on, men like that will always have ulterior motives? I should know for I am a male who recieves attention to from women? I always invited you to meet them unlike you? I had never slept with any of them, had romantyic feelings for unlike what you told me:(
    Why I lost my trust in you & then you in me for I started asking questions & catching you out? I wish I WASN’T RIGHT…

    And then that was the end when I asked you to stop seeing Justin….Mr J as you called him…a nickname and all. Remember when you caught up? You admitted to a “early morning” you caught a cab to which you never do for you always drove but what…not when catching up with him? He had a girlfriend but she wasn’t invited either? And then he had make friends there? Fuck me, you say your not guilty of doing stuff? you were hungover for my x-mas work function, didn’t feel like drinking & wanted to go home early.

    Tell me any partner wouldn’t be concerned. Then I found out by chance once we separated….you Mr Sanchez in the States was your holiday fuck buddy for the previous three holidays…once a year. That never bothered me for I didn’t know you then. What bothered me was you never said who he was, only a friend…LIAR! You skyped him when I was there for fucks sake! That is emotional cheating in my eyes.

    Get this, do you realise when we first went out you stated “All Europeans have holiday flings”? BS! So your parents fuck other ppl do they? Your sister, your brother inlaws, your cousins? No wqhT YOU WERE SAYING SUBCONCIOUSLY is you fuck around when away. How could I TRUST you? Seriously? No wonder you have had failed relationships for you are the one that is a failure.

    DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE MEANS OR ENTAILS? Love has its bad moments and those challenges are what makes the love between two ppl even stronger. Not run everytime? You never ever said one nice thing about any of your ex-partners. I see that now as a huge red flag.

    YOU never deserved my love or anyones? You need to see help & you won’t & never will for it’s never your fault? LOL.

    Can you see I have only compassion & unrequilted love & YOU HAVE ONLY SPITE & HATE. Your own words and you were the one that wronged our so called LOVE. I feel sorry for you, I really do & to think I have been so heartbroken by how I allowed you to treat me…What did I say ‘oh yes I felt like a piece of meat’! You proved that in the end. I could say many things you did that were wrong, these were just a few, the worst was missing my birthday & X-mas! Those were the hardest to forgive & you wonder why I couldn’t trust you. I knew & you know how I knew much to your horror. I have many friends who were concerned. Lucky I saved myself the BS.

    Thank you for choosing me to be allowed into your life. A life I could only dream of. An extended family the size that was hard to believe…But did I ever. That last wedding we went to OMG, I felt accepted & loved by people who had heard of me being your man & we were so embarrassed as everyone kept asking “When are we tying the knot”? If I was smarter I should have kneeled before you sooner for I had the ring on our last holiday. It was the first holiday where we made time to do nothing & relax in each other’s company by the resort’s infinity pool. The bay was isolated & sureal, the temperature just warm enough to sunbake. one who’s family is small yet close knitted. not many will ever have the chance to be blessed to see or feel.

    Can you see how I have said loving words here? Not just negativity? It’s because I choose you! Flaws and all, not just the “beautiful aspects”. You judged me so badly about my past! I have lived a life many could only dream of, good and bad. That’s in the past! So many years ago & then you decide it’s an issue. Men were young and dumb in their early twenties? Great times but until a man hits thirty?, they live a different life?

    I would have forgiven, forgotten & moved forward with you after everything you did & I hope you understand & realise one day a sorry for just one thing would be nice. I never have heard a single apology from you? WHY? Guilt? 🙂 ;(

    I miss you & still love you in a way I can’t explain & for some reason that mystifies me! I believed in you, even when you abondoned me when he died! You always put yourself first & relationships aren’t just you…it’s about TWO ppl not being self centred & its my way or the highway! You wanted me back yet writing letters online and getting upset when I didn’t for that is what you asked…more like stated ‘I don’t love you anymore’, yet I’m meant to be the obe running back. A man can only take so much heatache & breaking until he can’t take it anymore?

    —————————————————————-I say this last thing & this will hurt & it is meant to sadly.

    When one of your parents die, remember back to when you abondoned me at my fathers terminal death from cancer? You were never there for me, my family, you never asked about him, not one hospital trip or visit with me!Not even the funeral. I had to be the rock for over 500 ppl, there were so many ppl, dignotories, politicians, heads of Federal enforcement agencies, friends I had never met before..You say your European background is family orientated, they missed out on you having it? Your family always asked & were so kind but not you! I hope your future partner doesn’t do what you did to me for when you need a hug, comfort, love, just to be their to support them & their not there….YOU’ll find out how hard it is. Two weeks after you left…two weeks & you couldn’t even come to the funeral.

    Men can’t always be the pillar of strength you know. It was my FATHER! I have literally being pall bearer more thimes than my 30 odd years & none came close to how shattered I was.

    Maybe I should have said to you ‘DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL’

    I don’t know & never want to. You have been the worst memory in my life to date. I say this with sorrow for you have caused me & every man you dated nothing but heartache & sorrow. It hurt when your parents warned me to leave & saud I was the son they never had…plus the best man they had ever seen with their daughter because I treated you like a QUEEN. I hope to never see you ever again my love for you have hurt me so badly I write on here. You cannot be religious or spiritual for the things you said and did reveals your true character.

    To think I love you still. I’m a moron, CRAZY, stupid & crushed by the one person I never expected to be like this. YOU.

    Who are you? Really? Do you even know? You have everyone including your family fooled?

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