There are so many things to love about you. So many things I do love…from your extreme intelligence, compassion, & caring for others, to the adolescent jokes you text me, or the change in the pitch of your voice when you say my name and you are frustrated with/at me, & then the way I can hear your smile on the phone when you are amused by something I’ve said or done, the way your face turns that bright red when you are enjoying a moment, and how your eyes literally light up your entire face when you are happy and smiling. There is so much more, I could go on and on…while I may not have been the best at showing it, you have been one of the brightest spots in my days for quite a while now.
Here recently as I’ve been trying to sort everything out in my head I keep going back to the times where I’ve acted out of character and in your attempt to figure out what was going on you’d say what you thought…and end it with the phrase “wishful thinking I guess.” I’m so confused. And I’m such an ass.
I’m sorry I’m not dealing well with having feelings for you. This has caught me completely off guard. I’m sorry I have been so difficult. I’m sorry I’ve confused you. I’m sorry I don’t know how to act right now. And I’m sorry if anything I have said has hurt you. I’m sorry I failed at my attempt to tell you what was happening. I couldn’t even do it face to face.
In the way I did try to explain, I left out a very important part of it…I don’t want to have to shut down or shut my feelings off. What I DO want is to make you laugh, I want to make you happy, I want to right everything for you when it’s wrong, I want to make dinner for you, I want to make breakfast on the weekends, I want to go to bed with you at night, I want to wake up with you in the mornings, I want to kiss you whenever I want to and as much as I want to, I want you to want to come home to me. I want you in my life. And I don’t ever want you to go. I want to be with you. And the thought of forever has even crept into my mind.
I’ve never really felt this way about anyone before. It’s quite a bit to adjust to. Especially when I can’t even determine where I stand with you any more.
The reason why your use of the words “wishful thinking” keep coming and going through my mind is because I realized I am now the one who is doing the wishful thinking…hoping that you are going to write me a letter, send me an email, text me, or call me to tell me that you could possibly feel the same way.
Wishful thinking… it’s rough.