• Unfamiliar Feelings

    by  • September 22, 2013 • Abuse • 3 Comments

    Lately, I have been feeling some things that are unusual for me: anger, sadness, regret, jealousy. All of these things–all at once. I know what has been bringing it on and I think it’s time to finally face my feelings.

    Anger: I’m pissed off at my family (my dad specifically) and society in general. When I was a child, my dad raped me. He stole my innocence. I didn’t know what to think at the time, but as time goes on and I hear things like “If you’re not a virgin, you’re a whore,” it pisses me off more. I never had a chance at “purity,” at “virginity.” I’ve had men leave me because of this saying “I cannot have a sexual relationship with a woman who lost her virginity to her dad…” This pisses me off.

    After my dad raped me, my mom decided to get me a baby sitter so I wouldn’t be home alone with him. Unfortunately, the baby sitter she chose was one of her druggie friends (addicted to narcotics) and he also raped me saying “I am an adult and your parents will not take your word over mine.” I believed him and stayed silent until I finally admitted to it one day which was met by my grandmother saying “If it really happened, you would have told us sooner…” This, too, pisses me off.

    My baby sitter also said to me, “Your mom cares more about her drugs than she does about you.” I keep asking myself: Could this be true? I think the fact that I question this means that I do believe it at least a little. She sacrificed so much so she could buy drugs from her friends: we went days without eating, I could never pay for school fees, my medical issues were largely ignored. So, did she care more about drugs than she did about me? Probably. This pisses me off.

    Sadness: I’m absolutely pathetic. I am a 22-year-old woman and I am still deeply saddened by my childhood and cry when I think of what happened. I misbehaved in school to try to get attention from my teachers because the only attention I got from my dad was when he was raping me and I rarely saw my mom, who worked 3 jobs and slept with random men for drugs. I wanted attention from somebody and I didn’t care if the attention was positive or negative, as long as I got something.

    Regret: I regret letting these feelings hold me back for so long. All throughout high school, I was so scared of men that I would physically shake when I was forced to speak to a man. I felt uncomfortable with my classmates and with my teachers even though I knew that none of them would hurt me.

    Jealousy: As I said before, I am pathetic. I am 22 and I am still jealous of women who have good relationships with their dads. Women who had normal, healthy relationships with their dads, women who could count on them, who never felt hurt by them. I’m jealous. *I* want to feel that. I wanted to feel safe with my father, to come to him in my times of need. Not to feel like I can be attacked at any time. I wanted to fall asleep in his lap and not feel like that would lead to him touching me. I wanted to have a normal relationship with me, but what I got was an intense fear of them.

    Mostly, I’m jealous of other women who have a strong maternal instinct. The only socialization I had with adults when I was a child was abuse: physical, sexual, and mental. If I wasn’t being abused, I was being ignored. Because of this, I have no idea how to relate to children. I would like to one day have children of my own, but I don’t think I would be a good parent.

    These two parts of myself are some of the parts of myself that I hate the most and these are the things that I am working on changing now. I want to be mentally healthy and to not let these things affect me anymore. I want the rest of my life to be as good as it possibly can be. I don’t think this is too much to ask for.

    3 Responses to Unfamiliar Feelings

    1. Faith
      September 22, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Please please please get help. Life is beautiful and amazing and you did nothing wrong, You deserve to live a full happy life. There are professionals out there who can help you have the life you deserve. PLEASE seek help. I care and I am a stranger. I am sure that there are people who know you who care even more. Please get help and live a full happy life.

    2. You know what Chris Rock said?
      September 23, 2013 at 12:12 am

      Article in some magazine…
      Rock: “You know who will discover the cure for cancer? Do you know who will be the person who will make the greatest strides in stem cell research that makes the difference for society?”

      “The kid who was bullied ! That’s who will do this…mark my words ! ” I’m sure the interview can be found online somewhere.

      Now, it’s not comparable to what you endured, so don’t think I’m downplaying your suffering. They are both levels of abuse; yours more extreme. They produce the same emotions and manifestations.
      You are hurt. You feel ‘less than’ [others]
      Your ‘deserve level’ is hammered. A loss of belief in yourself, those closest to you, society in general, the list can be lengthy.

      It screws people up. I was bullied. I guess when I became an athlete in Jr. High and started knocking people down in a legitimate manner, I could feel the respect I was getting back from others in my peer group.

      Hard to compare my experience with yours and Chris Rocks’ (He was raised in possibly the worst ghetto area in the country,so his must have been extreme, one would think….)

      But maybe if you have the academic interest,(easier when you have a goal vs. ‘attending school’) maybe you can turn your experience into one that benefits society, even if it’s just one person at a time…or the opposite…you end up on Oprah…lol.

      Point is, you understand all this at the deepest levels, therefore you ‘can get through’ to people.

      I’m re-reading your comments and they seem very normal for one who has endured such abuse. The problem is, it’s sinking in. It may already have developed oak tree roots.
      Your outlook has been tainted. Your ‘I deserve ‘ this or that level is damaged.

      You likely have many talents. Once the pain goes away be it from counseling to a motivational change that produces an ‘over comer’ type attitude, a new way of looking at this, well…you also are in your early 20’s.

      Be grateful, just for a moment, that you’re not 40..on your 3rd marriage to an abuser (cause that *is* the pattern) and you have a few children and no college degree. This is one tough world we’re in these days.

      No matter what, I really urge you to consider some of these ideas and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference if you were a teacher or a cop …when you’re 30. But maybe, just maybe you could be an expert in this field and help to inform others, to create awareness that prevents this from happening, speak at schools, start a foundation (deal with Fat Cat big shots for their donations..hahaha. Hell, they’re abusers..at least some of them. But you could find yourself, even on the “8 year program” dealing with people who are very talented, upper echelon and escape the fate that so many get trapped in. A LIFETIME dealing with it..and pain that will grow larger every year it’s left ‘un handled.’

      I don’t know that abuse is all that much different than trying to get out of the ‘people ghetto’ vs the hood.

      You can have that family, kid. You can have a nice fulfilling life and and maybe help hundreds or thousands escape the mental and emotional chains that keep them stuck (literally)in the same place.

      Give it some thought. Go change the world. Serious laws, with the backing of a powerful group (ie. MADD, except this concerns abuse) should be passed, resulting in the most extreme penalties imaginable for someone who harms an innocent child or young adult. Someone has to do this job.

      It may as well be you.

    3. Amanda
      November 12, 2013 at 8:27 pm

      Thanks for the comments. I have been having a particularly hard time lately and I am seeking therapy for the second time in a few years. I feel like I’ve been improving in my attitude because the first time I sought therapy, it was because I was having thoughts like “I wouldn’t mind if I went to sleep and never woke up again.” Not wanting to take my own life, but not caring enough to take care of myself. I’m going to see if I can get in with my therapist again tomorrow and talk some things out.

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