Lately, I have been feeling some things that are unusual for me: anger, sadness, regret, jealousy. All of these things–all at once. I know what has been bringing it on and I think it’s time to finally face my feelings.
Anger: I’m pissed off at my family (my dad specifically) and society in general. When I was a child, my dad raped me. He stole my innocence. I didn’t know what to think at the time, but as time goes on and I hear things like “If you’re not a virgin, you’re a whore,” it pisses me off more. I never had a chance at “purity,” at “virginity.” I’ve had men leave me because of this saying “I cannot have a sexual relationship with a woman who lost her virginity to her dad…” This pisses me off.
After my dad raped me, my mom decided to get me a baby sitter so I wouldn’t be home alone with him. Unfortunately, the baby sitter she chose was one of her druggie friends (addicted to narcotics) and he also raped me saying “I am an adult and your parents will not take your word over mine.” I believed him and stayed silent until I finally admitted to it one day which was met by my grandmother saying “If it really happened, you would have told us sooner…” This, too, pisses me off.
My baby sitter also said to me, “Your mom cares more about her drugs than she does about you.” I keep asking myself: Could this be true? I think the fact that I question this means that I do believe it at least a little. She sacrificed so much so she could buy drugs from her friends: we went days without eating, I could never pay for school fees, my medical issues were largely ignored. So, did she care more about drugs than she did about me? Probably. This pisses me off.
Sadness: I’m absolutely pathetic. I am a 22-year-old woman and I am still deeply saddened by my childhood and cry when I think of what happened. I misbehaved in school to try to get attention from my teachers because the only attention I got from my dad was when he was raping me and I rarely saw my mom, who worked 3 jobs and slept with random men for drugs. I wanted attention from somebody and I didn’t care if the attention was positive or negative, as long as I got something.
Regret: I regret letting these feelings hold me back for so long. All throughout high school, I was so scared of men that I would physically shake when I was forced to speak to a man. I felt uncomfortable with my classmates and with my teachers even though I knew that none of them would hurt me.
Jealousy: As I said before, I am pathetic. I am 22 and I am still jealous of women who have good relationships with their dads. Women who had normal, healthy relationships with their dads, women who could count on them, who never felt hurt by them. I’m jealous. *I* want to feel that. I wanted to feel safe with my father, to come to him in my times of need. Not to feel like I can be attacked at any time. I wanted to fall asleep in his lap and not feel like that would lead to him touching me. I wanted to have a normal relationship with me, but what I got was an intense fear of them.
Mostly, I’m jealous of other women who have a strong maternal instinct. The only socialization I had with adults when I was a child was abuse: physical, sexual, and mental. If I wasn’t being abused, I was being ignored. Because of this, I have no idea how to relate to children. I would like to one day have children of my own, but I don’t think I would be a good parent.
These two parts of myself are some of the parts of myself that I hate the most and these are the things that I am working on changing now. I want to be mentally healthy and to not let these things affect me anymore. I want the rest of my life to be as good as it possibly can be. I don’t think this is too much to ask for.