Here’s a letter of things I bet you didn’t know about me. Let me start with middle school…
1. 6th grade year: Father, when your child comes home crying because all of the girls at her school called her fat, you do not, under any circumstance, say “well, so am I! Get over it!” You SHOULD give her a tight hug and tell her she’s beautiful just the way she is. When the school calls saying that I’m cutting myself, don’t tell me that I get enough attention and that I’m stupid for doing it. It only worsens the problem. Mother, don’t accuse me of trying to kill my brother. I love him. More than you two love me, but I suppose that’s not saying a lot on your part.
2. 7th grade year: I went out with Pj, even though you told me not to… I did it anyways. I hugged him, he came to my band concerts (that you never showed up to, anyways), and I thought I loved him. Well, I was wrong. He broke up with me, and I stayed in my room for 5 days crying. I had my first energy drink, even though you’d kill me. I was so upset when Pj broke up with me, I began to cut… again. I’d made so many new friends online and I thought I was so cool. That previous summer (between 6th and 7th grade) I had thought I was so pretty and so amazing because all of these guys on the internet wanted to date me… and, hell, I probably “went out” with 10 different guys in 4 months. But, oh well… They made me cut, too… I was so fucking stupid then. Mother, don’t tell me “oh, you look… nice….” I know you don’t think I’m beautiful because I look just like you and you think you’re ugly as hell. Quite frankly, your personality can be sometimes. Father, don’t just sit back and let me get yelled at like that… you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in your house. There’s 4 more cuts.
3. 8th grade year: Yay! Look at me! I can go behind my parent’s backs and disobey them some more! I dated Dathan, Kenny, Fred, AND to top it off, Zack! Look at me! I’m a whore!! 😀 I kissed Kenny, made out with Dathan, and all Fred wanted was to get in my pants, and Zack just wanted me because Fred had me. Continuous cutting seemed to be a particular role in my life, eh? You thought I stopped. And, every time you heard that one of my brother’s friends was cutting, you just said that they were stupid and were just asking for attention… when you’re so fucking wrong it’s not even funny! Apparently, there are more blind people than I thought, because they all think I’m beautiful when… meh? I’m a fat white girl with brown hair and blue eyes… nothing beautiful about that. But, hell. Who cares about me? I’m just a bitch, right, mom? Oh, and threatening to take me away from something I really, REALLY, REALLY love… good parenting! Not!!
4. 9th grade year: I suppose that letting me go to band camp was enough of a present for my birthday… it’s not like it’d be nice if you supported me once in a while. But, it’s just me… My concerts don’t mean anything to you, but you drag me to all of my brother’s wrestling matches. I’m supposed to sit there… and watch my parents cheer on my brother as he’s in this freaking unitard thing with his balls flopping everywhere and roll around on a stinky mat, touching and squirming this fat sweaty guy… yeaaaahhh…. fuck you. I really liked this guy, Matthew. Honestly, the only guy who gave me any attention… and then he was an overbearing asshole and that was the only moment you were proud of me… because I broke up with him. Let’s not forget, I went out with this guy named Tyler; Oh.. My.. God. He was amazing, perfect in every single way, and he lived 1725 miles away from me. So, all that time I was up in my bedroom, I was either crying because I couldn’t see him, touch him, or kiss him every day, or trying to make it last with him. 7 months just fucking gone and down the toilet because he couldn’t take it anymore. We sexted almost every night, but, hey, you’d never know. So, your precious niece, who’s 7 years my elder, got me drunk one night! Awesome, ain’t she? 😉 Now, I’d love to be drunk right now, it’d be better than this hell called sobriety around you guys. And, when I lost all of my friends because I made a stupid mistake, you said I deserved it… Parents of the year… right there.
5. Right now: I’m writing you this letter, that you’ll never see, because I’m afraid of what you’d say to me. I don’t want you to walk on eggshells, I just want you to tell me I’m beautiful and that you’re proud of me. Last night, we had a heart-to-heart with my little brother, and mom, all you could say was how he was a handsome, good-looking kid and you never once mentioned that, ever, to me. So, yeah… it’s only my feelings, but hell, what do they matter? You guys liked Tony, and I didn’t. So, I broke up with him. What does it matter to you? It’s my life. I’m 16, now. You keep saying I’m not a little girl anymore, so why do you keep treating me like I’m one?! I’ve still been talking to Zack because I thought I loved him. I know what love is, I’ve felt it before. He led me on, and you haven’t a clue that I’ve been upstairs crying for the past two days. So, that Brent kid is still harassing me… and you aren’t going to do anything about it, are you, dad? That’s okay, he’ll end up dead and I’ll end up in jail because I’m so close to beating his ass… but, he’s a boy and you think I can’t handle myself…You think my little brother is depressed a lot? You think he’s strong and so amazing? Watch me hide every emotion I have from you. Watch me fake a smile and move on. Oh, and, by the way, thanks for never showing up to anything. And dragging me to now football and wrestling. I’m sure this year will be fun.. Just two more years and you won’t have to worry about me anymore.
Little do you also know, that I’ve been contemplating suicide… It’d cost less than having to feed me, clothe me, and support me.. it’d only be my little brother…. Well… this may or may not be my last letter… we’ll see how tomorrow goes…
Love, well, you don’t love,