To: I just didn’t know
From : I tried to understand
This is as good a place as any. I have this little rule I made up and it does work:
Some things you can say in person
Some things you say over the phone
Some things you can say in a letter
Some things you can say while hidden
It’s a matter of safety and acceptance. Some things get misconstrued, some things are received on the other end as a message that isn’t the message at all! I’ve had this happen too many times. Not with many, though. I think it’s in the brain is the only thing I can conclude.
The words are carefully arranged and delivered with the right intent.
But still the message gets ‘garbled’ I always just shook my head; I didn’t get it. Maybe it’s some hormonal deal. Fuck. My ex wife would go apeshit once a month. I mean off the wall. Damn it hurt me.
I was one of the unlucky ones. Lived with now, I guess 5, maybe 6. None had any noticeable change for the worse during Hell Week.
Fuck. So I have this wonderful girl with everything going for her, but she goes ape shit on me.
Point of all of it is that what’s left is compassion. I understand things haven’t been easy for you. You’re way too hard on yourself. Honestly, I know it’s in your DNA or wherever, to want to return to the hottie status. I believe I understand the motivation. Hell, we all do in a sense. I had a ton of money and decided to make some changes myself. A little shave here or there to perfect the nose. I had the top guy in the country. Next was hollywood white teeth; I had met a girl who had it done and they were perfect. I liked the guy.
So it was all lined up, but first to go was the tiniest flaw. The assholes (several) made it worse. They lied right to my face and I was so careful. It wasn’t pleasant.
Point is, this was minor. I had it all in a sense, anyway. But I had to push the perfection envelope. I suppose I always have.
I came to understand that was the wrong paradigm. It truly is.
All that’s left is compassion. That part won’t leave. It’s a part of me. It gets me in trouble sometimes. I returened to a real pain in the ass, more than once, out of concern. I suppose her movie star looks played a small part, and I DO mean small. I wanted to get away. But I couldn’t abandon my friend. Fuck. That’s a weakness too. (shakes head)
But she never did screw me over, other than pull shit that made me spend money. Fuckin manipulator. She would toss out the carrot and I would bite. She reeked of talent. Funny as could be. Bright.
Alcoholic. Big time. I’m still pissed at her for fucking her future up.
She had every ability to make her dream come true. Sad; I can see clearly she could fuck up a two car funeral. But she never fucked me over in a moral sense. That’s why I can see her pictures now and smile. Looks like she’s got a guy, no prize (lol) but she seems happy. I do predict she will break his heart one day, cause Leopards don’t change their spots. But the talent that went to waste? Kills me.
But at least I can see her pictures of her life and smile. The anger is gone. I’m happy for her.
Where I’m going with this winding tale is that I wish you could drop the need for perfection. You also reek of talent. You are pretty, funny, smart and enjoyable. Fuck the Madison Ave shit that’s been drilled into your head. Fuck those people who jack with your precious heart. Yeah, I know. You have some of The Devil in there and you must get that out. Please try hard.
But you know, there’s a lot of you that’s good. Accept your imperfections. I’ve been there. When I finally told someone what had happened to me, they said “I never even noticed that.” Hell, I was looking in the mirror from 8 inches away. The point is, what you see and what others see, is far more different than you can grasp right now.
Me? In every sense of the word, legal included, I was assaulted and harmed and it was premeditated. I should have brought charges against those fuckers, one female and made history regarding a new law. I was just too busy.
All I can say is that there are people who will accept your perceived imperfections. I promise you that. (By the way, we both had what they call Body Dysmorphic Disorder.) It’s NO little matter, and NO one truly gets it)
But one will. If you let go of the need to be perfect, and even laugh at them (that will take some time) but have no concern in expressing it. Making it known, will make it lighter on you. So you fucked up. You tried.
Go back to being ‘yourself.’ Quit thinking what others think, or what you THINK they are thinking. Cause they’re NOT. It’s in your head !
And God Dammit !
Stop letting abusers past your gates. Yes, you are an abuser. Go see someone and figure out who hurt you so bad, that the good people who cross your path, need to get a piece of your action. They are INNOCENT. And they will accept you, good and bad, until they see this abuser.
Then they will run. Stop the pattern.
You are ‘good enough’ just as you are. You are BETTER than you think.
This I know. Believe me, I never steered you wrong.
I hope one day I can see your picture and smile, too. You may have have the ‘big dream’ but I can see in your eyes, a sparkle.
That will make me happy.