It actually really kills me to tell you Fuck You. Because I know how good you are, I saw it in you everyday. I’m doing this for me, because I need an outlet… because if I don’t deserve an answer, at least I deserve my say.
Getting to know you was honestly one of my favorite parts of camp. You are one of the good ones, and I think you need to know that. At first our friendship was casual, but then you sat next to me at the Bar that one random Saturday Night. You could tell I was excluded from the conversation, and you sought me out. Thank You, and I’m sorry I stole your attention the rest of the night, I really am. I got us to leave our little world and sit next to the rest of them for a bit, (or at least I really tried). But I think I knew then, how I felt.
And then the Cabin overnighter presented itself, and it was too good to pass up. Your whole cabin gone? You’re co-staff off too? Andre conveniently had the night off as well? My boss on call? It was kismet.
Once? I chalked it up to poor judgment, to one too many Blue Moons, to camp goggles, and maybe a little to Courtney’s persuasive personality. I felt so bad, because I know if you were my boyfriend, it would kill me what you did. I felt like I tempted you, that I led you astray… But then I thought a little harder about it. And technically, I was not the one in the wrong. You could have said no, and honestly, maybe you should have.
But you didn’t. And I was worried, because you made one hell of a friend.
But then you sat down next to me the next morning when I was scoring that game, completely hung over, and you helped me, and I thought we were gonna be okay. You were still friendly, and we still had our banter. And then a few days passed, and it got really fucking cold. And so did you. I think the guilt of what we did set in. I know mine did.
I won’t lie to you, I was determined to get you alone. But it was absolutely impossible. I felt like I owed you an apology, or an explanation. I’m not sure why. I told Yolanda how frustrating it was, to keep being ignored. That one night you were on call, and we were all looking at shooting stars, I needed to see one. I had one wish to make, and I needed it so bad. That’s why I left with Chandler, cause I just needed one fucking shooting star.
But when you wouldn’t grant me that, I became determined to make it happen again. To prove myself right, or prove you wrong, I’m not sure which. I went into that motel room fixated on becoming my drunk alter ego again, because she gets shit done. I needed there to be another time, so that I knew it wasn’t all in my head, I needed to know I didn’t make it all up.
Twice? Twice isn’t a mistake, it’s a decision. I wish I remembered more of that night, honestly. I remember it being good, for me at least. I remember leaving the retreat while the sun was rising. It was the first time I saw the sunrise at Camp, and it was almost as beautiful as the sunsets over the Lake. I remember the look on your face, when we said goodbye. Yolanda filled in some of the gaps. Andre made it abundantly clear the next morning though. I knew something was off. The way he couldn’t look me in the eye, and then finally when he told me that I screwed everyone over; that the retreat was never cleaned.
I knew I needed to apologize to him, because he is one of the best people I know. Losing his friendship would be a terrible loss to me, and he probably doesn’t realize it. So I sought Andre out, and told him how sorry I was. I didn’t remember telling him I would clean the retreat, but I’m sorry that it wasn’t, I really fucked up.
He said I didn’t say I’d clean the retreat, you did. You, Jake, you said that, and he trusted you to do it.
I still said sorry, and he knew it wasn’t because the retreat wasn’t cleaned. I was sorry that he saw that I wasn’t unscathed, and that I omitted truth. I was sorry I was desperately keeping your secret safe, when I didn’t have to. I was sorry that he was going to have to talk to you about this, that your secret wasn’t safe anymore, and that he was going to have to lie for you, just like me. You are so fucking lucky it was Andre who caught us; you are really fucking lucky.
It wasn’t the same after that. Camp was almost over, our real lives were lying in wait. I played the waiting game; I knew you needed time. My Catholic Guilt was eating at me, acid sitting in my stomach, etching an ulcer into it’s lining. Why do I always do this to myself? I could have had a perfectly normal relationship this summer, but I still wanted you.
The first night that Jason hit on me and tried to kiss me I brushed him off. I made a promise to myself, because of the shit I went through in college, that I would not hook up with just anyone. I would hold for someone, someone like you, even though I knew you had a girlfriend.
I wasn’t sure if you’d say goodbye. That day I made sure that if a camper wanted to say goodbye to me, they would have to approach me. I didn’t want to give a hug to an unwilling kid, that aint’ my style. So I provided a post by the busses, and I let the kids come to me. I was humbled by how many approached me. I really love those boys, even the ones I never truly got to know, just because I loved watching them grow up for one summer. I loved watching them look up to their counselors, they are completely enamored with you boys and I hope you know how much of a role model you are to them.
I gave you every opportunity. I know you saw my goodbye to Yolanda, I hope you saw how hard that was for me. That girl held Pandora’s box on her shoulders, and she was my only hope. And then she was gone, and then it was time for me to leave too. You watched both your brothers say goodbye to me. You still couldn’t do it. You couldn’t face me, and what I needed to say.
All of the nurses were shocked when we saw your little posse of 4 approaching. You were coming to say goodbye to us, and we honestly were humbled. (Don’t think I didn’t notice that you were the only one to thank us in your Speech). I can’t believe you couldn’t just fucking say goodbye to me, you had to bring 3 back up. That look we exchanged when it was finally time for our goodbye, what was that?
I made sure I held a little tight, and lingered just a moment, because that was our last. “See you at Unofficial?”
Go Fuck Yourself.