All I ever think about is my body. How disgusting it is. I weigh myself ten times a day, look in the mirror at least 300 times a day. It just never leaves my mind. My mind is almost like a book, but for calories and fat. Any food I come across I know the calories and I know serving sizes and all that junk. I can’t just eat something. It’s this horrible process of seeing what has the least fat and for awhile even eating 100 calories scared me so much I would start to cry. Anorexia has taken over my life. Not just now, it has for years. I would make myself throw up and carve ‘fat’ into my body. I look at thigh gaps and bones all day long. I try diets and drink so much water. I take drugs so I won’t want to eat.. I’m so ashamed of myself but I just can’t stop. I’ve tried. So many times.. I remember one time when I started throwing up blood and I didn’t know what to do. I’m dying and instead of fixing it I’m sitting here waiting for it.. It could be so peaceful ya know..? I don’t deserve to be alive anymore.. Fat fat fat fat, that’s all I see when I look at myself and I can’t handle it anymore.