for the past three days, i’ve been trying to convince myself that i’ve gotten over you, that i can move on. after all, you were never mine to lose, so there was no breakup. and for the most part, i’m over it. three things made that easier: 1. you have someone else, i’m 99% sure; 2. it’s a guy; 3. that means that you’re at least bicurious, but maybe you don’t like girls at all. who knows? it’s none of my business. the main thing is that i wasn’t jealous or hurt.
now, i have four, maybe five days to be okay before i have to see you and pretend i haven’t wasted so much time on this. i am getting there. i’m slowly forgetting why i thought i needed you, and the only time it ever hurts is when i remember that those deep-rooted hopes of having you, even as a homecoming or prom date, will probably never happen. and it’ll come up so much – we’e seniors, so i’m expected to be asked to things, and i have nobody as of right now.
but i think i can do it. you’e still a great guy, and you’re like my best guy friend ever. and i’ll live. it’s not like my heart is shattered into pieces, because i’ve been living with the reality that you don’t return my feelings from the day i realized i liked you. it’s been constant, and maybe that’s why i’m so put together.
i have this deep curiosity about whether or not you ever liked me, whether last year or the year before, or maybe even before that. i’m too scared too ask, but that’s the main thing driving me crazy: wondering if i ever stood a chance. it would break my heart to find out, regardless of the answer, so i don’t want you to tell me, but still. curiosity.
these next four (or five) days are going to be all about persuasion, convincing myself that i don’t need you, that i don’t feel anything for you but friendship. i’m mostly there, but i’m going to work it out of my system before i have to see you again. i’m going to be strong.