• Dear Husband

    by  • August 30, 2013 • Resentment • 0 Comments

    You’re losing me.
    Mostly because, I walk around hating you. Mostly because, you make me feel miserable on purpose. Mostly because, you are mean and unhappy, and you try to make me feel like it’s all my fault, or worse, Hailey’s– thank god that I know better. And because you are mean and unhappy, you impose your nasty moods onto all of us, regardless of how well your kids did that day or what they might have accomplished– you’ll bring us all down with you in a fucking heartbeat, if (god forbid) you (King Ian) aren’t ‘feeling’ happy! Time and time again! Mostly because, you project your daily frustrations with your life onto me, and you know it, which only makes it only worse. Mostly because you blame others for your temper and your tantrums, as if anyone could write a script as volatile as you. Mostly because, you like to say “I told you so”, but rarely do you say “I’m sorry”, but you remember everybody’s faults to NO END, with zero empathy, you do not see the good in others, and you cannot ignore the bad, and I can no longer see the good in you, nor can I ignore the bad. Mostly because, I always thought it would get better, but now I realize, it’s a continuous, uphill battle, and I’m losing it, and more importantly, I’m unwilling to fight it any longer. It’s your battle to fight, not mine, and I can’t make you reflect inwardly no matter which words I string together, I can’t make you see that its only yourself and your own temper that need your goddamn controlling. Mostly because what I expect most in a relationship is someone who genuinely cares about my feelings, or please tell me what the fuck is the point to be in a relationship at all??? We’re supposed to fulfill each other, to help each other find happiness, to bring each other joy. I don’t want to have to ‘manage’ you anymore, I don’t want to keep one step ahead of your insults, because I’m always on the defence, and it is too goddamn draining.
    I don’t want to have to watch my tongue, or to be worried about your reaction if I screw up. You are not my father OR my ruler, don’t you know what you are? I don’t scrutinize you unless it’s seriously warranted, like falling asleep with a cigarette (for example), the reaction I get from you, is you trying to undermine or belittle what I’m saying…Yet your actions could kill us all! It’s called negligence by lawful termination! And yet you still have the audacity to point out each and every single one of my flaws, without a second thought, no matter how un-fucking-necessary! And then you expect me to do everything?? How could I possibly think I was anything even near perfect, with a guy like you by my side, whispering all my flaws back to me??? You’re the one who thinks he’s perfect!! You can sure dish it out, but you can’t take it, not even a tiny fraction of it, and that’s extremely cowardly in my opinion, (fill in your belittling remark here)… And then without even a hint at an apology, (the night of the cigarette burn), you ask later to have sex…?! That felt the worst, what am I to you? I have FEELINGS, you jerk! And why don’t you care about them?! But I stayed quiet… Why? Because we’re moving and things are stressful, and I don’t want to make it worse… Not that you could ever consider that. So I am left to keep it in, act like nothing’s wrong. I could be an actress, you know, because I have so much goddamn practice at hiding my true feelings. I am angry… I don’t care why you always fall asleep with cigarettes, because the “why” won’t save any of us! And you did it again last night. Burnt another hole in the carpet, and why should I feel scared to SCREAM at you for it??? LIKE YOU WOULD IF IT WAS ME!
    You are losing me.
    Mostly because I want to be myself, even around you– ESPECIALLY around you, I just want to relax, I want the kids to relax, I want to have friends over (like people do in life), without worrying your head will explode, how have I tolerated you like this so long? And I want to stop resenting you for not taking pictures of me with my babies, even though I took pictures of them with you, although that is never going to happen if I stay, it hurts too much. I want to forgive you for taking advantage of the fact that I have no one in my corner, and instead of filling that void, like you should have, like I expected, you’ve only exploited it to the limit of my sanity. Mostly because, you are mean and unhappy, and I can finally see that nothing I could do would ever have an effect on you, or change that, because it’s you who needs to change it, not me, THIS is how I have to change. I have to stop letting you ruin me.
    My daughters. Your daughters.

    They look horrified when we fight. And unfortunately we’ve fought in front of them too many times. Both of them begging us and crying for us to stay together, this isn’t what I wanted. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Or will. Now we are moving, so I will give it ONE more chance. ONE last attempt. Of this I am sure: I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore with your harsh words, next time you lose your temper— WE ARE DONE, I don’t care what I have to do! I’m not yours to squeeze the life from, if leaving you is the only way, then sobeit, it’s better than staying. I am not about to let my girls watch you bully me for the rest of my living days, they’ve made enough remarks for their age, always asking me questions when you’re not around… and I will break this cycle FOR THEM, not just for me. They don’t have to watch me like I watched my mother. I don’t want them to find a man like you, I want them to be loved, not hated. I want someone to see the GOOD in them. I want them to be made to laugh, not made to think about the things I think about. You can’t even make me laugh anymore, because in those rare moments, as you are trying to be kind and funny, all I can ever think is how it might change in just a moment of discourse, all I can think is how you wouldn’t find me funny if I said the same thing, how you’d just ignore me. I want them to feel cared about, not ignored. I want them to feel understood, not misunderstood. I want them to be valued, not undermined… Loving someone else requires giving thought to their feelings, and understanding what they need to feel loved, it’s not about you, and how you ‘want’ to give it. And if you wanted ANY of those things for them, then you would NEVER do what you do to me, you would act like an adult, even when things got rough, you would add humour, and be practiced at it by kid number 3…! You would show them what it is to value your partner, their mother, but instead you show them something else… I don’t know why you do it, but I know I’m not going to let you bring me down anymore, you shouldn’t wish to hurt me, you should build me up, as I try to build you up. And I know whatever it is we have, it isn’t love. It’s not love when I have to write you this kind of letter. I can list off your all good qualities, too, and I have recited them many times to you, and I don’t think I even have any good qualities anymore, because all you ever recite about me are my faults and negative qualities, I feel even more lost now, than the day I met you, when I was between homes, and with Diane on my back! More lost at 32 than I was at 24, and I know it’ll just get worse if I don’t hand you this letter today. Money won’t make us better, it’ll make you worse, it’ll add to your narcissism. So choose who you want to be, and create that man, or ignore me again, and we will become nothing more than a bad memory.

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