• To all my loves.

    by  • August 27, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 3 Comments

    You were my first love. I didn’t deserve someone as special as you. I remember talking on the phone until we both fell asleep holding the phone in our hands. I remember when that cop pulled us over because I was sitting too close to you in the car and then when we told him we were reading a book of baby names he demanded to know if I was pregnant and how we laughed. I remember when your parents told you I was chasing you and you weren’t running fast enough. I remember the summer nights at Dale Hollow Lake, I bring my own family there for vacations. I remember how mad I used to get when you would come and clean my apartment for me. I remember how incredible your parents were to me once they accepted the idea that we were going to be together. I remember when you surprised me by coming to visit me at college and hid in the library. I just couldn’t figure out why all my friends who never went to the library were desperate that I come with them to study. I remember our first time and how it hurt so much and felt so wonderful all at the same time. I remember how much you loved me and how much I loved you. I remember when we couldn’t find the Chritmas tree farm and we thought we were in the middle of nowhere but realized we were in someone’s back yard after we cut down the tree. I remember that night in your car when you asked me to marry you and I said yes. Your kindness and genuine decency helped to shape me into the person I am today and I am eternally grateful. I remember how we grew apart and didn’t want to admit it. I treated you poorly at the end but even after that you were always there when I needed you. You of all people did not deserve anything less than my best and not giving it to you is one of the biggest regrets of my life, I hope you know that it was me and not you, never you. There will never be enough words to express how sorry I am. No one could ever ask for a better first love (and lover) than you. Thank you for all the years we spent together and for all the love you gave me. They were the most beautiful gift any person could have.

    You were my friend. You were so smart, so motivated, so intense. I remember how the two of us used to compete to see who could get the most hours at work each week. What was our record, 120 hours? We were crazy. I remember how we used to talk and talk at breakfast, eating raspberries and cream and drinking fresh squeezed OJ. I remember it was like an electric current when we touched. I never did know if you felt the same. I remember the beach in the moonlight, drinking too much and listening to tunes. I remember how you used to get mad and stomp around. I remember how adorable you were. I wish I had been more mature because maybe we could have stayed friends. I would have liked that. Knowing you, you have had much success and I know you deserve it. Thank you for all the laughter and for the friendship we had. You are truly one of a kind.

    You were an unexpected surprise. Secret kisses in the night. Romance, laughter and lust in one beautiful package. You are the only man I will ever regret not fighting harder for. You are the only man who I wonder how great we might have been together if only circumstances had been different. Our timing was sure off but I would not trade one single minute of the time we spent together. I only wish we had had more time. I remember sitting on your desk and talking into the night. I remember waiting for your phone calls at work and feeling like I was going to melt as soon as I heard your voice. I remember feeling so loved and that I was the luckiest girl in the world. I remember how you used to hug me from behind and kiss the back of my neck. I remember making fools of ourselves like we were teenagers again at the zoo. I remember how you taught me to have a spine of steel, not that I wanted to learn. I remember how deeply I loved you. I remember how incredibly you hurt me. I remember your beautiful eyes and watching football on Sunday afternoons. I remember that you didn’t know that Bantu was a language and not a country. I remember what an exquisite, caring and generous lover you were. I remember thinking we would always be together and that I had plenty of time. I was wrong. I remember when you said let’s get married I turned you down. I know I never said it to you but you were and always will be the man of my dreams. I remember you were the only man whose child I ever wanted to have and you were the one I dreamed of growing old and grey with. Thank you for giving me my own little piece of perfect happiness that I carry with me like a treasure to open every now and again and to remember.

    We had some fun didn’t we? I remember that your grandfather was a worker building the Erie canal and how your father used to remind you of that all the time. I remember how you introduced me to zydeco music and how we would dance and dance. I remember your how we would go see your neighbor who was in a band and you would go on stage and play the harmonica. I remember that you were eye candy. I remember when I visited you in Rochester while you were doing your internship and we stole your roommate’s car (well borrowed it without asking) and drove to Niagra Falls. I remember going to the races at Watkins Glen and being so surprised that my friend Joe was right and that I loved the sound of the cars. I remember how you were self-confident and adventurous and could talk to anyone. I remember eating wings and drinking beer. I remember that night that we broke the sink in the bar and had to slink out. You were exactly what I needed. Nothing deep, no true love. Just a great guy with a big heart and a huge capacity for a good time. Thank you for being exactly who you are. The world needs more people like you.

    You were the closest thing I ever had to a one night stand. What was it, a four night stand? I remember meeting you on the plane coming back from Florida and being amazed that a greek, god of a man like you would even speak to me. Let alone ask for my number. I remember sleeping together wrapped in blankets in the employee lounge. Though for the life of me I cannot remember why we had the windows open in the middle of January. I remember the snow drifting in and covering us as we dozed off. You were sweet and when I drive by your restaurant I always think of you and smile.

    Well its been one hell of a ride. You know I get bored easily but that has never been a concern with you. Seems like half the time all I can do is hang on by my finger nails and try to enjoy the ride. I remember how we met in a bar and I didn’t believe your incredibly bad pick up line /story (which turned out to be true of course, only you could be that crazy). I remember smashing my car into the side of your garage. I remember getting pulled over after you dumped a whole damn pitcher of beer on me for some unknown reason. I remember walking your dog when you forgot or were working too hard. I remember playing football in the park at midnight and how you and I would always be on opposite teams. I remember you how you used to hate Christmas but now are the King of Christmas because Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love your kind heart and how you always help people. I love how you can make friends with anybody when you turn on the charm. I love how hard you work and I love lying in bed next and watching you sleep. I love how wonderful you are to my family and what a great son you have been to my mother. I love how you are always there to protect me. It sure hasn’t been an easy ride and there have been more than a few times when I hated your guts so much that I couldn’t even stand to look at you. I remember when you were in a coma for a week and when you woke up I told you I wished you had died. I remember how you drove over a thousand miles because you were worried about me when I lost my phone and wasn’t answering your calls. I could fill up a hundred pages of memories. You are my friend and my love. You always know what I am thinking and I can’t hide anything from you. We have had tough times and good times and in-between times and somehow we are still together. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love that you always tell me that you love me. I love how you always make me tell you what’s wrong even when I don’t want to. I love eating Mexican food with you at that restaurant by the airport. I love that you are always optimistic even when I am not. I love it that you still tell me I look beautiful after all these years. You have been the most infuriating, maddening person and have done some unforgiveable things to me. But you have never let me get out the door and have always pulled me back even if I was kicking and screaming. Good times and bad, I can’t imagine a life without you in it. Thanks for always being there for me. It might not always be easy but darlin’ I wouldn’t trade you for the world.

    3 Responses to To all my loves.

    1. Spunky Lou
      August 27, 2013 at 9:56 am

      How would Ron feel about your other loves?

    2. Author
      August 28, 2013 at 6:59 am

      He knows about them of course. They were all long before he and I met. I know about his too. He keeps in touch with some, I don’t. But it’s a good question you know. But just because there are people in your past who you loved doesn’t mean you don’t have a today and a future. This site seems to be filled with a lot of very painful today’s. I was reading and remembering some of the old pain that we all go through and just needed to write. I guess what came out was more of the good but when I really let myself remember that is what is there. The bad parts have faded into the distance. .

    3. Author
      August 28, 2013 at 3:58 pm

      Curious….why do you care?

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