Surely we all must have something in our lives that feels like it could kill us, that we cannot fix. It’s just always there, and really the best way I’ve found to cope is to just leave it be and hope the pain eventually lessens.
It just forces its way into your existence and wraps itself so tightly around you that it’s hard to not be ruled by it. It’s impossible to forget. Some days you feel like you’re choking on it. Some days it’s not as prominent, but it will, in an instant, make itself front and center and distract you from everything else. From everything good in your life.
And so, when it’s particularly demanding, you devote your every thought to it. How it’s completely ravaged your emotions, your sanity, your relationships, your entire worldview. You try to push back against it and try to conquer it but it’s been such an unyielding part of you for so long that it’s no use. You cannot beat it into submission. You can only learn to deal with it moment to moment.
I think it’s going to destroy me. It already affects every facet of my being, as it has done for longer than I care to remember. I cannot imagine spending the next seventy years of my life carrying this with me.