There are few things sadder, but this is my ailment at the moment. The reason I never put myself out there or invest myself in other people is because I hate this feeling of disappointment in myself and in the loss of who/whatever I wanted.
I made this dream a project. I put so much research and time into it that I lost myself in it, in the perfect comeback that it would become. Someone I had seen as an adversary saw how motivated I was, and told me that she would do whatever it took to make it a reality. She wasn’t the one to fail me.
Sometimes you can have everyone and everything on your side, yet one tiny mistake can bring your half-constructed house of cards down faster than you can say “But i’ve tried so hard.”
Because its the people who don’t put as much into it as you. That don’t give the 110% percent and blame it on being “too much work” and “too time consuming”. They’re the ones that you need to keep away from your hopes, because they won’t be beside you to help clean up the shattered glass of your dream; they’ll be the ones who knocked it from the pedestal to begin with.
But that’s life, isn’t it. People throw you down and you have to get back up again. Pretend that it didn’t affect you. That you’re just as strong if not stronger than the day they first saw you, the day you because a subconscious target in their eyes. The perfect person to take the fall once they wreak their havoc. The one who will be constantly questioning “What did I do?” or “How could I have done better” instead of looking for the real culprit.
So here I am. Clinging to a broken toy that I can’t fix because it was doomed from the start, and I was just too naive to see it. I’ll look down at it and say “Next time I’ll be smarter, next time I’ll know the signs.”
It’s a lie.
And i’ll keep telling myself those eleven words until the next broken thing comes along.
Because maybe one day, i’ll finally fix it, and it will be worth all the heartbreak i’ve suffered for all the other broken things i’ve lost.
And that…that is my dying dream.