…you didn’t say goodbye…and it hurts. Not sure why you didn’t say goodbye, I gave you the courtesy last we saw each other, but now I understand what it was for you. This is as specific as it gets–and as close as a character assessment as I’ll make; you didn’t even remember when my birthday was when we were together. You didn’t say goodbye and I thank you.
You don’t want an explanation of why it hurts so I come here and vent. I do my best to keep this anonymous so even in the unlikely event you do read these, you’ll never know that you broke my heart. We had much in common. Yes, it’s that “things in common” guy again. I’ve come here because the wound was reopened when I saw you today. Funny, I thought us living so close would be great and now it’s come back to haunt me. You are and will be always too important to let on that you hurt me as deeply as you did.
As you said when you broke up with me that I was “too angry” and “I talked about myself (mainly about my frustrations).” I did what I could. I know I made you feel good on all levels. Perhaps this is why you still wanted to keep in contact–as what may I ask? As friends? Acquaintances? I’d be emotionally masochistic to watch someone I love (yes I still love you) and have my shortcomings rubbed in my face. I know I blew it with you. I know I love you because when one becomes a parent one realizes that they’re capable of love. Then came you. You made ME feel good on all levels.
I’m miffed by the contradiction of your sentiment about wanting me to be happy, and yet you’d like to torture me in that way. I’m heartbroken because, not only do I deserve someone as wonderful as you, you deserve someone as wonderful as me. Too bad you don’t see either–unless there’s some outside influence. I’ve become suspicious.
I’m still vexed at why you wanted to stay in contact. Is it so you could feel better about breaking up? That makes it worse. And I’m being selfish I guess. The cyclical hypocrisy is palpable–though I’m just trying my darnedest to cease the emotional masochism that seemed to fester thanks to you. I both look forward to the day one of us moves further away, and not. I miss you, but you choose to end it. Perhaps I was more accepting about your wants–then even you– when I chose to not “be friends.”
Yes, I look forward to that day that we’re farther apart physically because being so far apart in other aspects, when we even happen upon one another, is too agonizing. That “happened upon” recalls when we “chanced upon” each other at the first. I don’t need that reminiscence–because it’s not real. It’s not now. I look forward to that day.
But I don’t look forward to that day–which is unexplainable. Maybe I just think because we have so much in common. I could ruminate on that–the unrealized plans and experiences that I wanted to share with you–and I’d be here writing much more. Yes I’ll be relieved that day and sad. Much like today’s lack of a good-bye.
Yes we saw each other today and I was both relieved and sad. You didn’t say goodbye and that made me glad and sad. Eventually one will win out. Eventually the torture will end and your claim on my heart and mind will diminish. Eventually one will win out and my money’s on gladness. The Atenolol is helping the chest pain. And these writings are getting shorter.