• Agonizingly Close

    by  • August 26, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 6 Comments

    I’m evolving my disappointment. My heartbreak has become nothing. I’ve worked so that it doesn’t invite me into bitterness—as you thought I was intrinsically. You obviously missed I was “angry” (as you claimed) due to my life situation. That situation hasn’t changed, but I’ve realized it was my proximity to you and your retinue—and how out of touch those that aren’t facing the same tribulations can be. And if not realized, can become precisely what you became—derogatory.

    I’ve entertained the thought that it’s mostly an economic thing, and it’s sad to think that you’re so shallow. I thought you were “spiritual.” You claimed, despite being an atheist, that you were spiritual. How can one be spiritual if one doesn’t believe in a spirit, or something bigger than themselves, or a soul? Perhaps this may explain your rudeness. The great thing? I briefly became like that—only seeing our commonness and your wonderfulness—like the wonderful person I am (and yes even I knew it then) and realizing that initial heartbreak was only the things we had in common (Yes everyone it’s that “Sadness of Things in Common” guy again).

    I often wonder about what your motivations were. I mean if someone is willing to let go of someone they say is wonderful because of that person’s temporary situation, then that’s short sighted is it not? Short sightedness, while I recognize the value of living in the “now,” is a shallow facsimile of the spirituality that living in the present brings.

    I look forward to when you’re no longer in the neighborhood. You living so close was great when you wanted to be with me, but now, after you’d rather make me part of your collection of rejects, I feel like the lower risk there is that I run into you again the better. I don’t like running into you because I still love you—and it pisses me off that I do because I know that’s not what it was about for you….now.

    And the only way I may communicate with you is this way. Yes, I chose to cut off contact as a protective measure. I’ve learned, thanks to past experience, that the best way to stop hurting is to stop doing things that create the hurt. That includes stopping seeing people that hurt me.

    When you last walked away when we ran into each other you couldn’t even say goodbye. Clear that I made the right decision if you’re like that. I’ve never treated you poorly did I? I’m so glad that you’ve found a better place and you’re with better people for you. I’d rather be with my better people. Even if we have little in common, at least they’re good people.

    And this bitter sounding tirade is only the mortar that helps rebuild my heart after the fault moved and quaked and left the bricks of my heart in shambles. I’m busy with the construction and there’s no way your company would allow the reassembly since it seemed your goal was demolition. This is only part of me—in accordance to the situation. I don’t want to be false. I want to be able to feel what I’m feeling in response to a situation without being labeled “angry and self-pitying.”

    These will continue to get shorter as my heart heals. I’m certain these posts will get even shorter once you move to your new home. I sincerely wish you the best—though you had that here once. You deserve someone more in line with your way of thinking. I’m glad you’re you. And I’m glad I’m weaning off the Atenolol.

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    6 Responses to Agonizingly Close

    1. @authir
      August 26, 2013 at 11:15 am

      The funny thing is that you were the one to leave me…dump me so if this is you you are wrong. I am not angry far from it as I was never the one to let you go!!! DO you like to convince yourself of what is not the truth? Really WTF


    2. TAke Two
      August 26, 2013 at 11:40 am

      I forgive you for all you have done. I apologised. Not once never have you. Nothing more to say


    3. UM Stop
      August 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

      All lies. you left. I could write a book. I’ll be the better person unlike you. Thanks for destroying my 18 year career and there was no need. You did nothing a woman in relationship does. Seriously get grip on facts. I am so disappointed in you and YES everyone I went silly here for now wthout a doubt she has written so many letters she knew I would bite at and say something that is emotional toxic trauma. to the max. look what you did to me. YOUR really sick, even today you wrote a loving one, yesterday you know you did as they arfe your cultural one why did you do this to punish me to get bacj at me what does that say about you! I loved you and you just never did for Im not sure if you know how to act or love another. Look how many or shall I say all 4 fucked up short termn relationships. Good bye you write away you won you destroyed yet your 5 man victim. I should have walked after three months as I knew something wasn’t right


    4. ANarc
      August 26, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      Third time I rewrite this….nothing


    5. Mu woman apolgised to me. Once
      August 27, 2013 at 9:52 am

      Nucking up near the two mark.

      Wanna know how many time my NARC apologised to me?

      Once. Half heartedly; it was SO obvious.

      Oh, man.
      I am SO sorry about your career. I can see it though. Wish I knew you to trade war stories.
      I was kind of an investment guru once. Still am. Ancient math. Natural Order.

      PS. The number exceeds 5.In what, 2.5 years?
      That’s not counting all ‘the fish’ from the other sites either.


    6. @Mu woman apologised to me. Once
      August 28, 2013 at 6:19 am

      I’m unsure if your being genuine or not, no offence as she was what you were? Then the P.S. reply…5.1n? 2.5years? & counting what fish from other sites?



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