I’m evolving my disappointment. My heartbreak has become nothing. I’ve worked so that it doesn’t invite me into bitterness—as you thought I was intrinsically. You obviously missed I was “angry” (as you claimed) due to my life situation. That situation hasn’t changed, but I’ve realized it was my proximity to you and your retinue—and how out of touch those that aren’t facing the same tribulations can be. And if not realized, can become precisely what you became—derogatory.
I’ve entertained the thought that it’s mostly an economic thing, and it’s sad to think that you’re so shallow. I thought you were “spiritual.” You claimed, despite being an atheist, that you were spiritual. How can one be spiritual if one doesn’t believe in a spirit, or something bigger than themselves, or a soul? Perhaps this may explain your rudeness. The great thing? I briefly became like that—only seeing our commonness and your wonderfulness—like the wonderful person I am (and yes even I knew it then) and realizing that initial heartbreak was only the things we had in common (Yes everyone it’s that “Sadness of Things in Common” guy again).
I often wonder about what your motivations were. I mean if someone is willing to let go of someone they say is wonderful because of that person’s temporary situation, then that’s short sighted is it not? Short sightedness, while I recognize the value of living in the “now,” is a shallow facsimile of the spirituality that living in the present brings.
I look forward to when you’re no longer in the neighborhood. You living so close was great when you wanted to be with me, but now, after you’d rather make me part of your collection of rejects, I feel like the lower risk there is that I run into you again the better. I don’t like running into you because I still love you—and it pisses me off that I do because I know that’s not what it was about for you….now.
And the only way I may communicate with you is this way. Yes, I chose to cut off contact as a protective measure. I’ve learned, thanks to past experience, that the best way to stop hurting is to stop doing things that create the hurt. That includes stopping seeing people that hurt me.
When you last walked away when we ran into each other you couldn’t even say goodbye. Clear that I made the right decision if you’re like that. I’ve never treated you poorly did I? I’m so glad that you’ve found a better place and you’re with better people for you. I’d rather be with my better people. Even if we have little in common, at least they’re good people.
And this bitter sounding tirade is only the mortar that helps rebuild my heart after the fault moved and quaked and left the bricks of my heart in shambles. I’m busy with the construction and there’s no way your company would allow the reassembly since it seemed your goal was demolition. This is only part of me—in accordance to the situation. I don’t want to be false. I want to be able to feel what I’m feeling in response to a situation without being labeled “angry and self-pitying.”
These will continue to get shorter as my heart heals. I’m certain these posts will get even shorter once you move to your new home. I sincerely wish you the best—though you had that here once. You deserve someone more in line with your way of thinking. I’m glad you’re you. And I’m glad I’m weaning off the Atenolol.