• $*&^?×$! Lost

    by  • August 25, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 9 Comments

    I can’t shake the feeling that you are “it” for me. And I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen, while I think I can tell how you feel I am not 100% sure,and it’s terrifying to think you really might not feel the same. There, now I’ve said it. And I don’t know what to do.

    You make me happy like I have not been in a very long time. I look forward to seeing you every day; the sight of you makes my stomach do those little flippity flop things, my ears burn, and I suddenly feel like a little girl with her first crush.

    Every time I said I was joking about being jealous of something, I wasn’t really kidding. Every time I told you I had no interest in who/what you did outside of our working relationship I was lying. Every time I’ve said I didn’t care couldn’t be further than the truth. And the other day when I said you weren’t worth it, my eyes teared up because of how I really feel about you. You are the most amazing man I have ever met in my life..that part…is true.

    My feelings for you are real, & they are spiraling out of control. The true answer of what I am doing & why opposed to your hypothesis the other day is that I’m so scared it has caused me to start putting the walls back up & open my bag of defense mechanisms, AKA pushing you away & trying to make myself see everything about you as negatively as I can so that I don’t wind up hurt. It has nothing to do with work as you thought. It’s because of my real feelings for you.

    I know you have your issues, I know I have mine, but I also know our issues blend well together & there is something there that can’t be denied. I know you feel it too.

    I really need you to talk to me. Rejection isn’t even a possibility. I’m pretty sure the only reason why you haven’t tried to initiate the conversation is because of all the “I don’t cares” I’ve thrown at you making you think I really don’t.

    I have honestly tried so many times & all that happens is I flake out & start trying to find something to be mad at you about so it will just go away. It does’t. And there you are every time doing some little thing showing me that you care what is wrong.

    If I let myself think about it, I can see a life with you. A little Star Wars baby & all. We are wasting so much time not being together when we could be together & HAPPY…we aren’t getting any younger, we don’t have all the time in the world left…but we’ve finally found each other. So help me start figuring this & us out. Please.

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    9 Responses to $*&^?×$! Lost

    1. Um Silly question?
      August 25, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      Are you asking someone here or just thinking out loud as this is L.I.N.S.

      I thought that was so touching what you wrote, I more than felt the love you have for them. The “Star Wars baby” line was quite ingenious & touching. BeloveD… like you do is in no way being lost, it’s your heart speaking & quite often what many think it won’t work if they will it & they want it & work on together as a team & sit down & sort things out in a positive composed manner then it can be more than a possibility it can become a reality & suddenly your dreams have come true! Best of luck:)


    2. D
      August 25, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      No, no one on here unless he’s taken to doing his writing here…just thinking out loud. Thank you for the compliment. I meant those words 😉


    3. @D
      August 25, 2013 at 10:11 pm

      If you did then why are we here? Do you enjoy this. Do you want me or not? It isn’t a hard question? I think you do/don’t? I believe in faith that it is not yet I don’t know & you still play with my mind on that as I know! I’ve just made my mind up!


    4. @D
      August 25, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      Three words pure & simple jest or no jest real or not…For me these three words are what you mean to me…

      I LOVE YOU


    5. D
      August 26, 2013 at 9:30 am

      To the last two comments, seriously. Neither of y’all are the person I was “thinking out loud” to.

      Y’all really need to stop replying on stuff you know isn’t for you. Not everyone in this world is emotionally stable, and if you get the wrong person going & things don’t wind up how you’ve convinced them they were going to it is quite possible that you would have another’s death at their own hands on YOUR shoulders. SO STOP.

      This is a serious situation that I am trying to deal with in the only way I can figure out how to deal with it so that I can go back to feeling normal again with no awkwardness for either of us. I don’t expect a reply, he would NEVER be on this site, but as I said, it’s what I needed to do for myself!


    6. @author
      August 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

      Great you liked and answer my first one… I know yet know its turned around again why? The comment you made was “I mean those words” and to me that sounded quite personal as you well know using the same smily face GREAT


    7. D
      August 26, 2013 at 2:37 pm

      Ok, look crazy..(or crazies) I have NO CLUE what you are talking about. You don’t know who I am, I don’t know who you are. My comment to the first commentator


    8. D
      August 26, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      Ok, look crazy..(or crazies) I have NO CLUE what you are talking about. What is “turned around again” & what the heck are you talking about referencing the “same smiley”?

      You don’t know who I am, I don’t know who you are. My comment to the first commentator was in general and thanking them for their complement & telling me how they felt how much I love the person I was speaking too. It’s TRUE, I DO love him. And I am glad someone else could finally sense that I meant what I was saying. Even if it was a stranger with no idea who or what I am talking about. I DID mean those words. BUT ONLY TO HIM. How many people in this world use the same smiley I do? SERIOUSLY!!

      There is no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t be caught dead here. And as I said with my reply earlier you all should be careful who you try to anonymously engage on a site like this :/

      If the person I were speaking to was on this site & read my “letter I’d never send”, he knows me well enough that he knows my style of writing…there is no doubt in my mind he would know it’s me talking to him, and he is such a big hearted, selfless, loving individual that he would want to talk to me face to face & personally, even if they weren’t words I wanted to hear. Because he is that much of an amazing person.

      You see, he & I work together. We see each other daily, interact with each other daily, talk/text when we are at home. If this was him….he would have talked to me about it 45 minutes ago when he walked in my office…
      So unless you are him, stop. I know how he would behave if it were him….you are making yourselves look like fools…and wasting your time & mine.


    9. D
      October 30, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      I’ve found it…this is the one I’ve been looking for. When you were commenting & I was answering it felt like how it felt when we are in person & talking. It gave me goosebumps. The hairs on my arms & neck stood up. It was you. It is you. But I had no idea that it really was you, or I would have told you. I know there are a couple more that made me feel the same way. I’m going to find them as I go.

      This was almost two months ago. If you have felt this way about me the whole time why are we still sitting here two months later? You really are going to make me hunt to figure this out…aren’t you? If you love me and I love you…what are we doing? Is there something else you are wanting me to find? Or do? Or say? I’m slowly linking together letters from the other place as well. The kissing smiley…or am I wrong? There are just so many different “loops” in this…I seriously am starting to feel like I’m trapped in that movie Groundhog Day & it’s driving me crazy.

      What do you want me to see? Why are we still just sitting here? Exactly what is in your mind? Why aren’t we trying to figure this out? It’s there. It’s still there. I’m kind of embarrassed that you even read any of this to begin with. It is all very true & meant. I tried to make it go away, but it won’t. So I stopped trying. “if you can’t get someone out of your mind it’s because they are supposed to be there”…I can’t fight it. I’m waiting on you.



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