There you are, I’ve done it. I’ve made the decision and I’m letting it go, letting you go. I won’t let myself hurt anymore over you.
No more hoping, no more hanging onto the past. It was always you who called the shots … decided whether it happened or not, when it was over, when you felt like letting me in again and I always came running. You give me that little bit of hope with a few little words every so often (maybe after a few beers I don’t know) or a lot of hope in those late night phone calls every so often. Stupidly every time I let you in again and start hoping, hanging on for the suggestion of another night or more contact … then every single time you take it all away again in an instant (when you decide to of course) with cold carefully worded messages, friendly but I know what the undertone is. And there I am left crying again and wanting you, feeling stupid for letting you in again and for caring too much about you … far too much. I will never do that again to myself, it’s happened too often.
I don’t think you are happy, deep down. If you were there is so much which would be different about your life, lets face it WE wouldn’t have happened in the first place would we! But you go on kidding yourself and being a martyr, playing the dutiful partner. That’s your decision and who am I to argue … but one day you will be forced to stop kidding yourself … what then?
There may never come a day when I don’t think of you, but you’ll never know about it. I used to be strong before you came along and I will be again, I’ve promised myself that. I need to write this down and here is as good a place as any, because if I ever weaken I can read it again and remind myself.
I wish it was different, but it isn’t and I need to concentrate on my life … however that story might end up.