for the first time i experienced what it was like to have my heart ripped out of me. For the first time i gave someone my all and was left on a bench to be alone.
Aside from really wanting you to come back, i just really want to be held. My sister is working and she’s the only one who knows. She has problems of her own and even though she held me cry all of Tuesday, i don’t want to burden her anymore. I want to tell my mom but as much as i love her i know i won’t get her sympathy, not like i need it at least.
Who i really miss aside from you is my Dad. When i was sick he would always cuddle me and watch cartoons with me. He would play with my hair until i fell asleep. I know he wouldn’t know what to say, in fact he doesn’t even know about you. I’m still his baby and he would probably go in to some panic attack about how daddy’s little girl is no longer as innocent as he once thought.
I haven’t even been held by him like that in more than three years. However, now that we’ve reconnected i’m regretting not going with him on that trip. It would have been nice to have spent a couple of days together and fourteen hours away from this hell. My attempts to keep things moving would have been enough to keep you out of my mind. Fourteen hours away from me and when he called today to tell me he wished i would’ve gone with him he asked me if i was okay. Fourteen hours away and he knows something is wrong. I told him i was fine. Everyone in the house knows something is wrong with me though. I’ve moped around since Monday. I’ve been asleep more than I’ve been awake. My eyes are swollen and i’m not eating right. Well, Fuck this feeling. Had i known what it felt like after you fall in love maybe i wouldn’t have let you in.
This hurts so much, please come back.
The even worse part is if i really and truly think about it, i’d do it all again. I don’t want to be in love with you but i am.