The worst thing is that I have no idea who I’m more angry with – me for being a weak, naive, silly fool or you for being a lying, manipulative, heartless cretin. I suppose I could put it down to bad luck or bad timing or some other cliche but right now I’m too hurt to do that. Right now I have emotional whiplash – I’m angry, sad, confused, embarrassed and disappointed all at once. I’m broken. YOU BROKE ME. You hurt another person. How can you be so callous? You sucked me in, you played a great game. You made me trust you. You schemed and lied and became exactly who you knew I would trust. I told you everything, I let down walls I had up for 10 years. I told you of the abuse and the attack. I told you about how scared I was and how I didn’t sleep. You reassured me, you wrapped me up in a safe place. We had inside jokes and secrets.
You were lying all along. You were cheating. You were laughing at me. You told people things I told you. And when I got suspicious you did something I never thought a person would do – you used my past against me. You made me believe it was all in my head. That I had been damaged but I could trust you. I cannot remember how many times you said I could trust you.
The minute I found out for sure I presented my proof to you in a calm way, because against all my senses, I was hoping I was wrong. I was hoping you’d fight for me. I was hoping you would fight for US. But you laughed. You sneered. I was a game. This was all a game. A game that I could never even win because I didn’t even know I was playing.
I put so much of my energy into trusting you, into working towards having a real relationship with someone so what do I do now? Try to hate you? Hate myself? Regret the time we were together? Run away? Right now all I can do is curl up and start to rebuild those walls. And this time they’re for keeps.