When I cut contact with you those weeks I went out of town. Partly to distract myself from the loss/depression and partly because I was aware the date you and I were supposed to see one another was looming. I’ve done a pretty good job at not thinking about our cancelled plans. For me to think about that specifically would just magnify these feelings of loss and what- ifs. I wanted to see you. For many reasons. But I think had that happened we both would have had breakdowns. Not that we haven’t spiralled in our own ways already. But a part of me knows it would have been worth it. I think it would have all made sense once we got together. Sounds silly but I think some people have too much energy between them. So much so that their time together has to be limited. I wonder if that will ever go away. It’s been so long already it’s like its own separate entity or something. If it doesn’t go away, we are going to be even more fucked in the future. Do you realize this? How many more years can it be contained? All things considered, I’m proud we’ve been able to control it. If that’s the right thing to do why the hell does it feel so completely wrong?