A few months ago I told you a story about a male friend (and just friend) of mine that had completely taken me by surprise. I wrapped it up by telling you my thoughts were already occupied by someone else anyway so it didn’t really matter in the end.
Do you know that I love you, or are you not aware? It is you I am referring to, it has been you, & it is going to keep being you, because as hard as I am trying to make it go away..it won’t disappear.
I wish so hard that I could make myself tell you this face to face, but I can’t shake the feeling that I have too much to lose if I do.
Unless I’m completely crazy, I can tell my feelings are reciprocated, and it is frustrating the heck out of me that neither one of us wants to be the one to tell the other first.
Things aren’t the most optimum of situations for us right now, work is rough & putting both of us through a lot, you more so & in different ways than me, my home life is hectic, you are always working..and well, I just wish things would fall in to place because honestly, this is one of the worse most confusing situations I have ever been through. It’s like a roller coaster. And I am terrified of those.
I keep trying to distance myself from you because I don’t want to get hurt, but it doesn’t work, every time I try to get angry or upset to push those feelings away you are apologizing, next time I am apologizing, and the next time we are apologizing to each other, and boom…there we are again.
Things would be so much simpler & better for both of us if we could stop that cycle, put everything else aside, and try to be together. Some of our recent frustrations are partially fueled by the fact that we aren’t.
I’m mad at you for not trying to discuss this with me when I know you want to, and I am mad at myself for not being able to work up enough courage to be the one to initiate the discussion. Goodness knows we see each other enough & have enough conversations that it shouldn’t be this hard. But it is.
I thought I was going to say it Monday, the words were about to come out of my mouth while we were talking, then you did what you did that made me have to jokingly reprimand you & I stopped looking all over the place & looked in your eyes, and I just chickened out. Again. So you see, every time I don’t…I almost do.
I don’t expect you will ever read this, but in doing something like this I guess it’s the cowardly way of hoping somehow you do. Heck, maybe I’ll just screen shot it and text it to you. Ok, not really. But again..I almost did.
I feel a little better now I suppose. I’d feel a lot better if you had of been with me earlier tonight (a bad kid’s movie would have been way more enjoyable shared with you), or if you were here with me now.
You are the last person in the world I would’ve dreamed would wind up being the one who finally stole my heart and turned me into a rambling, nervous, mess.
Everything about you feels like home…so I’ll keep hoping one of us will stop being an idiot, and that “home” is what we will become.