• Damn Your Eyes

    by  • August 22, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 4 Comments

    Oh God, oh God, Oh God. Oh my love, how I wish you were mine, but you cannot be, most likely not ever. What am I to do? I try to keep constantly busy, to distract myself from this predicament, I keep my walls up no matter how much I wish for you to destroy them and storm my inner palace, I keep you at a distance but when you keep reaching out to me I just cannot help myself from responding to you. You are, quite simply, brilliant. I love my wife and we have built a wonderful life together through teamwork and mutual trust and kindness and perserverence, but she doesn’t fascinate me like you do, doesn’t talk to me about the things that really interest me and get my mind spinning, doesn’t understand my inner reality like you seem to….we share everything but we are different at core and there will forever be a divide there. Whereas I feel like you and I are cut from the same cloth: I have trouble convincing myself sometimes that you are a real person, that you’re not just a figment of my imagination, a part of myself long hidden trying to get through to the rest of me, trying to get me to wake up to myself, to be all that I can be.

    How I wish we could be together, that there were some realm where we could cherish each other openly without being disloyal to the ones we freely chose – and chose for good reason – before we met. But how can that be? I can’t ever leave the one who has nurtured and supported me, who has fought on my side all these years, she doesn’t deserve my deserting her. I made my choice and I have to live the consequences – and that was never an issue before you turned up in my life. Argh, even if I could bring myself to leave her, I could never be the one to break up your marriage, to ruin the life of a good man for my own selfish gain. If any of that actually happened the guilt would turn me into a gloomy, self-hating, bitter, cynical old man – how could I live with myself as a man who went against his every principle for a little something more, for a possibly only temporary taste of happiness? I would become a man who isn’t worth anything to anyone, let alone worth something to such a special woman as you.

    So I will continue to keep my psychological distance from you and never tell you how I feel. We will continue to be friends at a distance, agonizingly yearning silently for each other while we tell each other about how the lives that we can’t be in are going. And I will love you but keep it all inside till it burns my guts, and probably erupts one day in a fit of rage directed at someone innocent. Hopefully not my family or yours. Hopefully I don’t one day go completely off my rocker and destroy every obstacle between us in one fell swoop, landing on your doorstep a fugitive.

    No. I would never do that to you or them. A relationship would never amount to anything good if based on a start like that.

    God I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you but you must never know just how much. And she must never know and he must never know and so I must bury this forever in a part of me that I only allow myself to visit when I am feeling strong enough to withstand the pleasure and pain that comes with the cuts I receive from this double-edged sword of loving you. You who I will never possess. You who will never possess me. You who I feel I have already loved for an eternity, and am doomed to love for an eternity more without fulfillment.

    Your being in my life has made me more happy than anything or anyone else, yet the fact that you’ll never BE my life has brought about the greatest anguish I have had to live through. And that’s on top of the insane amount of guilt I have at feeling this way about you when I still love my wife so much. I have to hate myself on her behalf, because I deserve it and she doesn’t know.

    But you, my love – I have never loved and hated the same person with so much passion. Damn your eyes, you temptress, you siren, you mischief-maker, you absolutely wonderful creature. I will never be able to turn away from your light – you will remain my guiding star for as long as I live, but that will have to be a secret that I take to my grave

    4 Responses to Damn Your Eyes

    1. Sigh
      August 23, 2013 at 2:17 pm

      Wow – do I ever feel for you. My situation is same same only different. Just try to hang in there. If you can be strong for a few years more then the passion of romantic love should fade and you’ll be left with a less all-consuming, calm and unconditional love that is far more appropriate to the situation – and then hopefully you will be able to have a wonderful friendship that does not interfere with your marriages and thus need not be hidden from anybody. And that will make all the suffering you are going through now worthwhile.

      At least that’s what I’m hoping ;o)

    2. author
      August 24, 2013 at 11:03 am

      Thank you. My hope is the same as yours. But why does it have to be so hard???

    3. Denial
      August 24, 2013 at 11:48 am

      Hate to tell you this, but over a decade, a couple of kids, a live-in love, and a marriage in between us and it’s still hard for us to be just friends. Sometimes it doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.

    4. Sympathetic
      August 31, 2013 at 1:45 am

      I just discovered this website during my own search for an outlet for quite similar feelings. It’s not like me to leave comments, but I was so moved by your letter. Moved because I feel the same despair and guilt as a married woman who has harbored intense romantic feelings for a married man for the past several years. We both love our spouses and we both have young children, so there you have it. Even if those weren’t the facts, the professional nature of our relationship forbids crossing the friend boundary. Careers would be at stake, especially his. With all of that being said, I haven’t even a clue whether or not the romantic attraction is mutual. We are quite professional in our interactions, with only a subtle blush or prolonged stare as any possible clue. There has never been any behavior on either of parts that should make our spouses uncomfortable. As for the feelings, well I can only speak for mine, and I honestly feel completely powerless to control them. I love my husband and enjoyed a happy marriage. I wasn’t looking to fall in love (if you’ll allow me to call it that) with another man, but accidents will happen I guess. What I do know is that my relationship with this man has developed into at minimum a friendship in which we both genuinely care for the well-being of each other and our families. This combined with the value of our professional relationship makes storming any inner palace (or office door) too risky. Yet when I think of the uncertainty of life and reflect upon our mortality, it’s then that I think perhaps the risk would be worth it. Sometimes I have this compulsion to touch his hand, maintain his gaze, or make an innuendo. Yet, I never do. I don’t know which would be more tragic: finding out that the sentiment is not mutual, never knowing how he feels, knowing that the feelings are mutual and being unable to act upon them, or acting upon them and breaking apart two homes. It’s easy to say that the final option would be the most tragic, unless you are the one who must live with the burden of secret love. As for your situation, do you know how she feels? Does she have any indication as to how you feel?

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