If it turns out I am slightly delusional maybe this will help me.
It’s been a while hasn’t it till I’ve seen the brighter side of things remember all those letters we used to pass back and forth I still have them. The years we spent together. I’ve been so selfish cold and calloused these past few years product of being a hermit and living in constant silence I suppose.. I’ve made mistake after mistake and I understand that now. This is no longer about me.. You need to understand that I do love you with my entire being. The only person I’ve ever loved, maybe thats why I’ve been so bitter. I’ve honestly never met anyone like you I just don’t understand why the way things happened like they did. I’ve been so stuck in my head numbed everything over and shit on everything I’ve ever loved and known. I hide behind a wall of fuckery that I can’t explain nor want.. I have no will to do anything with my life. I’m just scared.. The way I’ve looked at things in these last few years is ‘fuck it shit happens and its not worth it’. I see the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and thats seeing you as not being worth it cause I was afraid of the outcome. I missed you every single day those first three years of course I eventually adjusted to the thought of not being with you but the occasional pop-up pictures or slight reminders would just bring it right back. I thought the two times I saw you was just for smoke. A while back you asked me if “you okay babe”. I was screaming on the inside, I think you knew it. Every time I ever bothered to look though there was always someone else I could never look pass that I didn’t want it to be like that so I’ve just waited and waited in silence. I am sorry I let you down, I am sorry I never truly let you know I loved you. If you want to move on do it.. Don’t let me be the one to hold you back I’m not worth it.. You’re gorgeous, intelligent, strong and you have an amazing life ahead of you. I’ve let go of every past grudge. Imagine if you want to that first day.. when I held your hand. Just let it go. I’ve been so scared to just simply say ‘hi’ and I still am and I have no excuse for it, I don’t even know what there is to be afraid of anymore. I’ve always been a coward. You’ve tried talking to me and I’ve just made short statements or smart ass remarks. I truly am sorry maybe it’s for the best though, you have a bright future. I have no plans yet just stuck in a repetitive cycle year after year. I think I’d only drag you down and hold you back. This is the last time I will bother you with this.. I have and I will always love you. You will always have a piece of me. All these I’s must still make me seem so selfish but please believe me when I say I’ll always love you like a crab loves his shell fish. I really am sorry.