• Broken swing

    by  • August 21, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Loneliness • 0 Comments

    For the last couple years, I have been falling so fast. It really hasn’t hit me until this past year. I can’t remember a specific time that I was happy. I’m not suicidal. I could never try to kill myself, but I can’t help but sometimes think, “What would happen if I just threw myself over this ledge,” or “What if I just crashed my car,” or “What would happen if I walked into oncoming traffic?” There is so much inside of me, and I can’t let it out. I’ve had so much thrown at me, especially for the past 4 years and none of it comes out. It stays locked away inside myself. I’ve lost my faith in religion, I’ve lost people, I’ve lost my home. I don’t really care what happens to me anymore. I hate myself… I look around and see everyone with someone, whether it be a best friend, their significant other, or they have a parent or a mentor to help them through. They are loved in some capacity. I’ve been alone my entire life, and I really want that. I long to have arms to wrap around me. I want that sanctuary. I want to feel safe and maybe for once I want to be at peace. I don’t want to feel so empty anymore. I want someone to realize that I’m not okay. I want someone to care… Even though I want this, I know deep inside that I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve anything good in life… I have all of these things racing through my mind all of the time. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I really don’t know if I really need help, or if this is just something that most people feel.

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