• Conflicted

    by  • August 19, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 9 Comments

    People say that you’re stupid or bringing pain upon yourself when you cant move on from somebody.

    But do they honestly know what to do when that person won’t let you move on?

    They come in and out of your life as if it were a drive thru leaving nothing but a deeper cut everytime.

    These are my questions: Is their return suppose to be a reassurance that they’ll ultimately be the one in the end?

    Or does life stop this person from coming back or does nothing stop them but us? Or do we stop it by not letting them stay?

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    9 Responses to Conflicted

    1. Difficult to answer
      August 19, 2013 at 9:17 am

      I can only go by my own experience. I have to say it’s the most painful thing I’ve had to “revisit” several times. I think it takes two people to be involved in the not letting go process. Meaning that if they come back in your life aren’t you at the very least letting them or leaving the door kind of open? I say that because I’ve done it both ways with the same person. For me I think it’s based on a relationship a long time ago I felt was special and wanted to last. I thought this person was thee person for me. But a little thing called life got in the way. Honestly, relationships don’t work for a multitude of reasons, but when you have two people wanting and hoping for it to work somewhere down the line, you get these instances of reconnection. I kept doing this kind of check in scenerio with hopes that their circumstances changed and I suppose it was the same for them. As time goes by more “obstacles” get in the way. People change and grow and it’s hard to try to get back together with someone from your past if you stand to possibly lose something in the process – i.e. a long distance move or a current relationship. Sometimes the hurt never goes away. Even cutting off all contact doesn’t erase the feelings of regret, etc. I guess I don’t really have many words of comfort except to say others go through it too. Many in silence.


    2. ? + ?
      August 19, 2013 at 4:02 pm

      From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

      Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

      Self-defeating personality disorder/ Masochistic personality disorder
      From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

      Definition proposed in DSM III-R for further review

      Self-defeating personality disorder is:

      A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him, as indicated by at least five of the following:

      chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
      rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
      following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
      incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
      rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
      fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write his or her own
      is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
      engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice

      B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.

      C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed.

      Exclusion from DSM-IV

      Historically, masochism has been associated with feminine submissiveness. This disorder became politically controversial when associated with domestic violence which was considered to be mostly caused by males.[2] However a number of studies suggest that the disorder is common.[3][4] In spite of its exclusion from DSM-IV in 1994, it continues to enjoy widespread currency amongst clinicians as a construct that explains a great many facets of human behaviour.[2]

      Sexual masochism that “causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” is still in DSM-IV.


    3. @Author
      August 19, 2013 at 5:51 pm

      My presence here has had it’s welcome & far enough I must add to.

      Dear Author, your letter’s underlying question is one of the best questions I have come across & no easy answer either. I’m in this boat ATM & it’s the first time I’ve ever been in this situation as it is so much easier to take the option of giving up & moving on & start again. I’ve done that in the past & have never looked back or wanted to look back & I have no regrets either as I would never want to go back there.

      Just as the other commentator said it takes two loving souls to still be in this limbo of a situation. There is still a connection I believe, maybe I am completely mistaken yet I feel I am right? They wish for their other to hopefully better themselves in their times of separation & believe me it does work…Only if that person is willingly and wanting to better themselves for themselves so that everyone, not just that ex-partner can see that the “changed/evolved/transformation” is one that is permanent and has had positive results on that person???

      People say people don’t change, well that’s BS, because then how has society evolved to where we are today? Because we have to want to make those changes and it takes the most painful emotional heart breaking thing….love to see a person change. I never believed this until this year. It’s the worse best thing to happen to me otherwise I would have never learnt or truly changed & would have kept making the same mistake with whoever I was in years to come. So it was a necessary thing for this to happen to me even though it was the last person on this earth I would have liked to learn this from. A Woman who was my soul mate & that’s why I now see that it had to be her as otherwise would I have listened to the universe….? Most likely not:(

      It still hurts so much as the universe has decided that I’m not good enough for her & the thing is I’m positive that if a couple can go through an experience like this then there is nothing they can’t overcome. They have to promise to put all this in the past and to never bring it up though for you both have to be able to release the pain to accept true forgiveness and love. Many get so bitter they can’t. I never thought I could yet here I am….A fool who lost his Queen.


    4. Me too
      August 19, 2013 at 5:54 pm

      I completely agree with Difficult to Answer. It’s different for different people. For me, it was timing/age/experience and a little bit of fear too I guess. I knew from a very early age that I had met “the one” but the idea of getting into something that important so young was daunting. So we went in and out of being friends and wanting to be more but never really getting there. I think I was afraid that I might mess up my entire future with “the one” if we got to close before I was emotionally ready to handle it. I don’t know what to tell you because our story isn’t over yet, I don’t think, but maybe it can be the right person and the timing just needs to work out. My heart goes out to you. It takes a kind of patience and trust that a lot of people don’t have. Good luck to you.


    5. Well
      August 20, 2013 at 5:10 am

      Have you told them in a very clear manner that you don’t want them in your life anymore? If not, maybe they’re still there because they believe there is still a chance and maybe the reason you haven’t been clear with them is because deep down inside there’s a part of you that wants them there. It’s nothing anyone else can tell you unfortunately. You just have to tune everyone else out and go by your gutt and heart. There’s nothing wrong with hanging on and returning to that someone who may be the one. If this person turns out to be the one, it’s a small price to pay for a lifetime of joy. No 2 journeys are the same. Listen to your heart.


    6. Depends
      August 20, 2013 at 7:43 am

      It depends on a lot of things like your age and if the deeper cuts are purposeful. If they’re beating you or abusing substances, then you insist on leaving them in your past. If you’re young and its more of a timing issue maybe not. If there’s genuine love there it could be worth the wait. I mean don’t stop your life to wait for it, keep moving and living but keep in touch maybe as friends or something then see where it goes. Then if it doesn’t work out, at least you have a friend and didn’t block the possibility. Hope that helps!


    7. @? + ?
      August 20, 2013 at 11:30 am

      Wow, that’s quite a leap… Psycho analyzing someone you don’t know for asking a couple of innocent questions as they, like many of us try to make sense of this thing we call life. @author- ignore that crap. Only you know your own truth.


    8. Cedar
      August 21, 2013 at 1:18 am

      This post and following comments were so refreshing to read! Thank you all. I am in this situation as well and as Me Too said, I don’t think the story is over. None of ours probably are. Difficult to answer, your words are comforting. Knowing others go through this makes me hopeful that someday things will work out, whatever that means. Being someone on the relationship end, I struggle leaving the one I am with. I don’t want to leave ‘for’ someone else. People say that never works out, or does it if its your true love? I am afraid if I don’t leave soon (which is SO unbelievably hard I question if its the right thing to do) I will lose the person I think I am destined to be with. Maybe its temptation thats getting the best of me. Maybe I am with the wrong person. It would be so much easier if I had more pieces of the puzzle. I am conflicted here too.

      I don’t think your answers can be answered definitively. I suppose it is a combination of both the world and ourselves who sometimes get in the way.


    9. Author
      August 23, 2013 at 9:22 pm

      Thank you to everyone taking your time out to give me some words of encouragement. I’m going to take all of this and hope that it leads me to my answer.

      I believe they may be the one, time will tell.




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