• Why do I insist on doing this to myself…

    by  • August 14, 2013 • Yearning • 3 Comments

    C-
    We have only been really close for a few months and yet we have shared over 4000 text messages. I met you 2 years ago through a mutual friend you had feelings for, so even when I began to develop feelings towards you I put them aside and stayed loyal to my existing friendship and in turn repressed all the blossoming thoughts of you in favor of developing a friendship as I really liked your personality. Suffice to say the friend whom introduced us is no longer a part of my life or yours and you remain to be. You disclosed you no longer harbor those type of feelings towards her and as horrible as it is inside I squealed with glee a little. I am a terrible “broski” :'(. You are so easy to talk to and I love your sense of humor. We have so many similarities and yet enough differences to keep it interesting. I can see myself growing old with you, I can see us raising children together, and it makes me sick to my stomach that I will never be the kind of woman you need after all the sorrow you’ve endured in your life thus far. I do not deserve someone like you, someone I could so easily hurt. I swell with happiness when I get a message from you and we banter back and forth until 3 am even though you have to be up at 7am…. You’re moving back here this fall and I already know what’s going to happen. You are going to want me as much as I want you and I am going to fuck it all up and lose you, so I have resigned myself to just being your friend. Even though it pains me inside. Even though I want so badly to be your everything, to show you the side of myself reserved for those I am intimate with..To prove my worth to you..to be the one to show you how beautiful love can be..to be with you.. I am disgusted with myself. I am no where near healed from the last relationship I was in and I am very broken after losing Cj. I want so much for you to feel what I feel for you, even though I know how selfish that is of me. I want to feel you inside of me. Not just physically, spiritually. I want to make love to you and climax in rapture. I want to travel and struggle and triumph with you. I want to spend time doing nothing and everything and just being, happy. Yet I have no right to want any of these things from you or with you. That doesn’t stop me from pining for that which cannot be mine. I am so pathetic. Why do you have to make so much sense when nothing else does. Why did you have to show up when I asked the universe for a sign as to whom my soul mate was. Why do you have to say all the right things and make me feel special. Why do I have to over think everything!! Why can’t I just have you. Unrequited love is too hard, too painful. Yet I am too scared to profess my feelings and lose our friendship. I do not deal well with rejection and I don’t think my heart could handle being told no at this point. I feel so immature and unsophisticated and well like a child. I want you to save me from myself. Why did it have to be you..

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    3 Responses to Why do I insist on doing this to myself…

    1. Because I Like You Wanted It To Be So
      August 14, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      Because you like I love each other! Pure & simple. I would even take her last name if we went down that path as her last part of her name is “Ski” to honour her & her family. I want to more than make love to you, I wish to whisper words that will etch permanent memories on your intelligent brain of yours she who was Illuminate which only shows what I said to be true. Just you wait for what the first kiss will be like & not just a kiss in your facial lips…..a kiss that will have you squirming as I languishly loving lick……….kiss your lower lips. I’ll keep it civil here as you know what my juicy luscious man lips does to you?

      ;D

      PS Where are we meeting If forgot to ask as I didn’t hear where we were meeting? How about my place as you have not seen my new place? You may not want to leave?




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    2. another C
      August 14, 2013 at 2:48 pm

      Aw sounds like u do deserve them I think u would be happy together 🙂




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    3. @another C
      August 15, 2013 at 5:00 am

      Helloooooooooooooooo as you would always say:)




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