• Why do I insist on doing this to myself…

    by  • August 14, 2013 • Yearning • 3 Comments

    We have only been really close for a few months and yet we have shared over 4000 text messages. I met you 2 years ago through a mutual friend you had feelings for, so even when I began to develop feelings towards you I put them aside and stayed loyal to my existing friendship and in turn repressed all the blossoming thoughts of you in favor of developing a friendship as I really liked your personality. Suffice to say the friend whom introduced us is no longer a part of my life or yours and you remain to be. You disclosed you no longer harbor those type of feelings towards her and as horrible as it is inside I squealed with glee a little. I am a terrible “broski” :'(. You are so easy to talk to and I love your sense of humor. We have so many similarities and yet enough differences to keep it interesting. I can see myself growing old with you, I can see us raising children together, and it makes me sick to my stomach that I will never be the kind of woman you need after all the sorrow you’ve endured in your life thus far. I do not deserve someone like you, someone I could so easily hurt. I swell with happiness when I get a message from you and we banter back and forth until 3 am even though you have to be up at 7am…. You’re moving back here this fall and I already know what’s going to happen. You are going to want me as much as I want you and I am going to fuck it all up and lose you, so I have resigned myself to just being your friend. Even though it pains me inside. Even though I want so badly to be your everything, to show you the side of myself reserved for those I am intimate with..To prove my worth to you..to be the one to show you how beautiful love can be..to be with you.. I am disgusted with myself. I am no where near healed from the last relationship I was in and I am very broken after losing Cj. I want so much for you to feel what I feel for you, even though I know how selfish that is of me. I want to feel you inside of me. Not just physically, spiritually. I want to make love to you and climax in rapture. I want to travel and struggle and triumph with you. I want to spend time doing nothing and everything and just being, happy. Yet I have no right to want any of these things from you or with you. That doesn’t stop me from pining for that which cannot be mine. I am so pathetic. Why do you have to make so much sense when nothing else does. Why did you have to show up when I asked the universe for a sign as to whom my soul mate was. Why do you have to say all the right things and make me feel special. Why do I have to over think everything!! Why can’t I just have you. Unrequited love is too hard, too painful. Yet I am too scared to profess my feelings and lose our friendship. I do not deal well with rejection and I don’t think my heart could handle being told no at this point. I feel so immature and unsophisticated and well like a child. I want you to save me from myself. Why did it have to be you..

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    3 Responses to Why do I insist on doing this to myself…

    1. Because I Like You Wanted It To Be So
      August 14, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      Because you like I love each other! Pure & simple. I would even take her last name if we went down that path as her last part of her name is “Ski” to honour her & her family. I want to more than make love to you, I wish to whisper words that will etch permanent memories on your intelligent brain of yours she who was Illuminate which only shows what I said to be true. Just you wait for what the first kiss will be like & not just a kiss in your facial lips…..a kiss that will have you squirming as I languishly loving lick……….kiss your lower lips. I’ll keep it civil here as you know what my juicy luscious man lips does to you?


      PS Where are we meeting If forgot to ask as I didn’t hear where we were meeting? How about my place as you have not seen my new place? You may not want to leave?


    2. another C
      August 14, 2013 at 2:48 pm

      Aw sounds like u do deserve them I think u would be happy together 🙂


    3. @another C
      August 15, 2013 at 5:00 am

      Helloooooooooooooooo as you would always say:)



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