Darling, you are my sunshine. You are my moonlight. Everything I do is dusted with thoughts of you. It has been 8 months since you made me the happiest girl in the world. I remember that night like it was yesterday. An entire year’s worth of loving you came down to that moment when you told me you liked me. It seems a little childish now, but I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. As I write this, my heart is so full.
Since that beautiful heart wrenching night, I have seen sides of you I never saw before. Things that made me laugh, cry, and hurt along with you. Do you remember the night we sat on the bathroom floor, and I held you as you cried? I think that was the night I fell in love with you. Up til then, you were my strength. You helped me when all I could do was sink into myself. That night, I was your strength. I remember pulling you into me and kissing your forehead, stroking your hair until you quieted. My warrior turned little boy.
And the night I told you my secrets. We were skyping like usual, and I had to text you my secret. I was too afraid to say it out loud to you, so afraid you would be disgusted and shut down. But you told me you loved me and nothing would change. You promised you would never let anything hurt me again. With that promise, you stayed while I fell asleep, watching over me. I felt so protected and loved.
In the next few months, I was blissfully happy. Your kisses were sweet, you held me so gently, and you told me you loved me and that I was beautiful. You promised never to go a day without telling me how beautiful I was.
But after a while you pulled away little by little. I could feel myself slowly losing you. And I still don’t know why. I felt like a burden to you. No one understood me, they all said I was overreacting, that we were just busy. But I felt something change. Panicking, I did everything I could to pull you back in. Remember those make out sessions? I let you go farther, hoping it would bring you back to me, but I just felt shamed. And then you left for Europe.
That month was awful. I slept as little as possible. Staying up to stop the thoughts of you and what was happening from swallowing me. I need your love, but you were gone. I hate to say it, but I lived for you that month. Do you know how pathetic I was? Ask Andrew. I turned to him so much while you were gone. And don’t even dare blame me for that. Everything I did was for want of you. But I have no idea what that did.
The day you got back, I was so excited to see you. I spent so long picking out an outfit for church, in case you were there. But you weren’t. So I spent another eternity finding the perfect look to see you that afternoon. But you were still missing. I had envisioned the moment we would have when we were reunited. Just like a little girl. But I heard nothing from you. That’s when I texted Andrew and found out you were back. And with them.
I sobbed that night like I haven’t ever cried before. My body literally shook with those sobs. Deep sounds that left me gasping for air. I cried as I put my shoes on, grabbed my iPod, and went out the door. I cried as I ran down the road, blasting Taylor Swift. I cried, as I finally heard from you. A text that almost broke me in two, only saying my name. I cried as I replied as if everything was fine. And you still don’t know.
Now you’re back. But something is so off. You changed, but I can’t put my finger on it. I changed as well. Everything is different. But I still love you. And I can;t stop loving you. This relationship is so important to me. And I refuse to give it up. So please don’t make me be the only one trying.
I love you, Ryan Michael.