• No judgments please

    by  • August 13, 2013 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 7 Comments

    I love you, I do. I just don’t know if I am ‘in love’ with you anymore. Is that enough reason to end things? Is it possible I may fall back in love with you, if and when things change? Or am I waiting for something that is never going to happen? While you were gone, something happened. Not that, but close enough. I realized I had been harboring feelings for someone else. I did not act on those feelings but I made them known. Was this a mistake? I suppose it was because now I am questioning everything about life and love as I have known it. Why is this so difficult? Shouldnt loving someone be easy? Shouldnt ‘just knowing’ be easy? I am sick of these love games. They are making me ill.

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    7 Responses to No judgments please

    1. I Say This To You
      August 13, 2013 at 11:11 am

      Love is the most powerful emotion we all share. Things happen, people fall apart when sometimes the timing wasn’t right, someone had too much on their plate, words we never meant were said, so many things & yet what you have just spoken of is so beautiful & straight from your heart. It matters not what happened whilst you two were separated as that is life and both should be mature enough to understand that & all it entails. It’s how you both act if this thought becomes reality.

      I only say you will have to give one man up or be honest with him as otherwise you are wanting the best of both worlds. Imagine if he did likewise to you? Would you like it, I don’t know I am not you:) You are being honest & for a man who has seen & felt so much in his life, if I were he you said this to I would say yes as you obviously do feel for him. It’s the time apart that has made you question all? And to think to be able to start afresh like a “new beginning”, dating would only enhance what could be potentially love or it may not. That is for you & he to decide. But what I will say is you will both have learnt your lessons from the past which to me will only arouse each other’s want for each other and to make it right this time around? Discuss everything with each other no cards hidden and you both may havea chance to be what we all want which is to be a match made in heaven.

      Shit now I’m jealous which is very unlike me as I would jump through burning hoops, fight rampaging tigers, dodge speeding bullets, I’d even face my biggest fear? Great White Pointer Sharks or Salt Water Crocodiles, my hair just raised up on my body so there you go.

      Your letter is a Shakespearean worthy letter.




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    2. Author
      August 14, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      Wow, that is very kind of you. Good guess with the gender reference 😉 I understand everything you are saying and I have been trying to learn from and live with the errors of my way. I still do not know any answers to the above questions, but somehow this helps. Instead of being impulsive and writing or saying these things to the intended, I process them here, among other places and ways.

      To answer your questions

      He did, in the beginning. And it hurt, it hurt real fucking bad. Shame on all of us for doing this. Maybe I am still bitter. I feel bad for the other person also, they might feel as if they were a pawn in this game. They weren’t. Feelings had been there, were there, still are there. What a terrible love game. I am not proud. I can’t imagine giving one up, I would rather them both be in my life platonically if it was one or the other. This is most likely the inevitable outcome at this point.

      It was and wasn’t the time apart. Sometimes time apart makes certain problems easier to ignore. At the same time other problems become evident or arise. What the hell right? Nevertheless, when they are gone and someone else you have always cared about comes back, your heart starts to beat faster. Nature. Yeah, screw you, heart of mine.

      I tried to date someone else outside of the love triangle, it changed nothing. I decided I would try to work things out, we’ve been together so long and through so much, why give up? Isn’t that what love is about? Committing to each other through thick and thin, good times bad times?

      I don’t know if the cards will ever be fully on the table. I have learned the hard way that some things are better left unsaid. I value honesty, but when honesty comes from a place of guilt and hurts other people there are usually better ways to go about making up for your wrongs. Change yourself, Self reflect, Be a better person.

      I wonder… I say, what is your story? How do you relate?




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    3. @author
      August 15, 2013 at 2:27 am

      I can say I can’t entirely relate & yet I can. Please be patient with me & read without getting upset as I would be upset slightly if you did this whilst with him/I & to find that out as that is the worst a partner can do to another as there is no trust & once trust gone it is hard to reclaim. I see where you are coming from & do understand you and why. You would make any of the men feel sexually insecure. I know I was quite the man as I always satisfied her many times over and ever time. I always wanted more though lol much much more. I even suspected and caught her out which she denied.

      I feel once more your words are so similar…Wow…the three full stops, the time apart as that concerns me not as we or he wasn’t together with you. Your style of writing… I personally knew she may have felt this for a man or two & I know exactly who they were. I think I knew which it was. In fact I do know lol. It doesn’t even bother me frankly as I’ve done much in my time so nothing surprises me. When I had a previous breakup of 14 years I went wild and slept with over 160 women in 10 months each many a time each day and sometimes more than on a single day. And to think I’m needle phobic & had 380ml of blood extracted monthly as condoms break when you way more than average hehe.

      I am always faithful when in a relationship though 110%. Because love is entirely different. This is why I said to her I felt like a piece of meat & you have only confirmed it. I say you should have been honest though as it says much about you. No malice intended or given.

      You do have to stop as there’s more to life than what you are doing. Believe me as I woke up one day as you will only go in circles fun ones though yet never realising there’s more to life.

      I would take her back if this is you Mary(shortened version of her name), yet you would have much to prove and I wouldn’t be able to trust you outright for some time. This will sound harsh and investigative like yet you brought this upon yourself…Would you be prepared to endure this for a period of time…how long would be up to him as this would hurt any man profusely. It actually the worst thing to happen to a man. You didn’t say though did you do this when with him. You said when separated which is fine? This is what any man would ask of you & say to reassure him….he wouldn’t nor I be able to want to let you out of his site….for example you’d find it had to go out without him as you’d he wouldn’t be able to entirely trust you at the beginning, can you see and accept this… to show him you do mean what you say. Trust takes time…

      Not many men at all would say or even consider or ever want a woman like you in their life yet I’m more than your average man as I’ve lived a life many would consider unbelievable or rock star, or movie star like status/past life stuff as I’ve nearly done everything. I woke up one day as I wanted a normal respectable life as family is everything to me now..It always was, just this man’s clock is slowly ticking too lol as that is what I’ve realised is what is the actual meaning of life. The family unit. Shocking I know yet true.

      I would though & I would have to live with her not separately as he/I would want to ensure he is around you more than you may like…would you consider that…penance you may say & love is worth it in my green eyes…that for you to ponder. I say to you I can see you love that man who you miss as to me he sounds like your soul mate as I believe it or not am a man who can read ppl quite well. I’m not saying this for my benefit here. Only my complete honesty.

      Since I have responded which no mere male would even contemplate as many would label you which is wrong as we are all unique loving souls….Can you reveal your initials on the off chance it is you M??? I would laugh if it was as this site is one big confusion as she has replied more than once, positive then so negative lol




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    4. Grad Student
      August 15, 2013 at 8:47 am

      Hello,

      I am captivated by the subject matter and the dynamics I see at play during my brief observation. A professor had this site bookmarked and suggested I observe the dynamics as part of completing my MSW degree. This prof is considered one of the very best and when he suggests anything, I follow his lead as he is likely the one who will open doors for me when I graduate. He is my mentor

      The last phrase “I say ” jumped out like an old British cliche from a bygone era movie, which made me smile. I spend a year as an exchange student in England. The gentleman seems so sincere that I felt compelled to make a comment.(1)

      I believe I have the genders correct. This site was explained to me as one where people aired their feelings much like a diary, but I do see exchanges here which are more interesting to me.

      1.Please, as I am not close to being fully trained, take all with a grain of salt but with the understanding there is solid academic background behind most thoughts.

      2. Not to simplify the obvious, but two people are hurting, one more than the other. This may switch the other way in the next thread, reversing roles . I’m puzzled by the confession. Do you see the male immune to knowing that some degree of affection was voiced to another man would be easily discarded? His imagination could conjure up numerous pictures. He might wonder to what degree these feelings were made known. The logical conclusion would be “If he cared, of course he would be hurt. ” Perhaps this was an attempt to see if love was available outside this seemingly turbulent relationship as descried by the author. A fight or flight urge? Perhaps.
      But know there are risks in making such confessions. The current conditions appear fragile enough and emotions run high in this stage of relationships. This is a time for compassion. Button pushing could backfire. {Remember, I am lacking a necessary history here; commenting on one thread}

      3. The male seems to have an even temperament towards this. This isn’t to say the female doesn’t by any means. But his logic is sound. It just appears there is a history here, derived from this and other posts. The areas of contention and possibly past hurts both experienced appear to be heavily weighing on the present stage of this relationship. Issues are unresolved from the past, is my guess. {Please remember my grain of salt request. The ideas may be worth consideration; they may be worthless.}
      Have you ever considered couples counseling? I just read some angst here and this may be from old wounds from earlier times, other relationships and even family backgrounds generally play separate roles.

      I don’t know if you two repair your own cars or can fix your own plumbing or visit a MD or specialists medical issues. Not many are all knowing in specialized areas of expertise.. Maybe you can do your own taxes with Quicken. Should either of you own a business with any complexity, you would would surely seek out a CPA. Consider the remote possibility that this may be beyond your ability to find answers and solutions.

      Lastly, there are pre marriage tests available through many churches. I am not educated to the degree of knowing the names of these instruments, but they have been discussed from time to time. I will try to look into them. A relative took one once with their mate and I recall that they were maybe 50 Y/N questions but provided some valuable insight, at least in that instance. I’m coming from this at an angle that doesn’t assume marriage is something planned or a short term goal, but the idea has been bantered around that serious, committed relationships might also benefit from the information you learn.

      I hope I haven’t bored you. I just liked how the man handled this and I applaud him for his efforts. I assume, perhaps wrongly, that I have seen the woman make her efforts and interest known in other threads.

      Good day to all,
      Christine

      (1) Keep in mind, I do not know the background and only spend a shade over two hours reading this site. Please feel free to tell me at any time if I am crossing boundaries. I chose this field of study as a result of testing and interest, and career advisors say I possess the necessary compassion to be good at this one day. Enough of my own story but I felt it wise to include a short introduction.




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    5. Christine
      August 15, 2013 at 2:08 pm

      I am the man you speak of. You even guessed what she does. lol. I will say I had no prior issues & have had a life of happiness, many friends, accomplishments. I come from a family that is very close, most of my friends are life long, talented workwise & I have been in a relationship that was nearly half my age. Chasing the capitalist dream unravelled that. Even that was amicable to a degree. Yes I lost millions, hey it’s only money and I’m a big believer in love. This one was short awesome I will admit as when they were being real with me it was better than many would or could even dream of. I wont say anything on her as this is my last post bar one thing. I was even told of it would you believe. Sad as they were someone I would have married if they saw the light you may say which is reality. I am still hurting so much & I can’t understand why I do for all that has happened to me. I didn’t do very little wrong in fact I know this. When you’ve been in a long term loving relationship you understand what and sometimes how hard it may get and this is where you grow as a couple.

      These days all I hear is labels so many labels when really we could all label each other if we choose to look at a certain angle. I know as I’ve and still do associate with ppl who have doctorates in these fields who are the top of their game. When I say them they all felt sadness for all the crap I endured as I don’t blame others in life and never have till a point where many would more than flip their lip. Yes I was anger but if I told the story you would be receiving your own PHD:)

      Here’s one for you which I promise you will only but enhance and further your career and understanding of these so called labels.

      Observe all who are forever and I mean more than 6 months a year on the internet who discuss with strangers about their relationship, what they should do, what their other has now been mislabelled actually turned into a monster etc. Sadly many are the majority of women and they do so band as a fighting force if women scorned and broken I have personally noticed.

      It would have been so much easier to see counselling together as woman and man, or even here’s a thought take to their men first and not others as I’ve noticed which in its own right is so disrespectful and selfish as I only saying here my view nothing more, they self destruct what could have been overcome quite easily.

      Look at the facts and figures in the western world. One in every two relationships fail unlike what everyone envies when they see a couple who have been together their whole life time. In fact I have a funeral to go to this weekend to be their for a friend. Their grandma died. 98 she was and he 101 WTF and married 78 years many children happy as can be. He will not last long know s his heart will more than mourn for her I believe. A true love story there.

      Women are becoming hunters…alpha females You may say & you would know there have been many articles n this not many women like though as the truth hurts. Women who falsely believe & think we don’t need men, I have my own house, friends etc. yet they wonder why they can’t keep men and it’s because they don’t act as the nurturer which is what still will always define women And men as the hunters just for chasing cash now which is and can be an evil within itself.

      I know many very successful single women in their late thirties, early forties and do you know what they all say “Gee I wish I wasn’t so fussy and wanted a man to be a perfect man” that doesn’t the now realise doesn’t exist. They mourn the fact that the greatest joy in life is the family unit- children, pure and simple and any person who say otherwise has only completely been bought by this capitalist consumerist society.

      I will never forget when I shed a tear as my one year nephew saw my dying father who was so riddled with cancer (to which I spent nearly everything I had to save him, hundreds of thousands of dollars)for the first time who gazed back at him. My father looked up at me as we both were crying as we both were thinking the same thing. The circle of life as life is born death also approaches.

      My last words were to my father was maybe even selfish? I had apologised to him for not being the grown son who is a man to not have his father at his wedding when he meets his future wife. I will always regret that as I left it to late in life as I looked up to my father immensely.

      At his funeral I never say o many people as he had way more life long friends than I imagined, even state and federal politicians came to pay their respects. Over 500 people in all & so many people afterwards and including the funeral home director and said I wrote the most loving and best “death notice they had ever seen. A poem of his life the tough old bastard lol yet loving father I’m proud of. I didn’t know of the cost of sending them in at the newspaper as I only wrote it that very night/morning, 12 hours in fact three pages long lol to only find out 2 hours before it was due. I rewrote it completely, one page long and it was I will say one of my poetic master pieces(I’ve had works published many times before under other names). A $2000 poem it was. Well worth every cent for that was my tribute to a man who made me. Good and bad.

      Thank you if you’ve made it this far reading all my ramblings or muse you may say so farewell LINS. God bless & may ever single one of you including her find the love that we all so desire and deserve in our short yet vibrant life’s.

      The end for he who is known as Crazy Horse(close enough:)….as the sunsets for him one final time his epic journey comes to a close for he fades off into the distance to become a shodow on the horizon & then nothing but dust as we all will be one day later than sooner I hope! Thank F..K they all say he is no more:)

      I concur. Goodbye




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    6. Sorry All
      August 15, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      I have written many typo mistakes as I it is morning, nearly dawn in fact after a 16 hour day. Tired yes this why so many typo’s. Off to the land of dreams for this young buck as tomorrow is not far away for another 12 plus hour day. The cost of building a house again. Then it is smooth sailing and a life of living. I used to have many houses and many other things. You only need one house as a base of operations, a place to retire even as life is all about the journey and all the memories we collect as that’s all we have in the end? Just memories then death which will be me if I don’t go to sleep. ~$165 per hour keeps me motivated:) To think I was on wages till she did what she did. I put love first before work, not now for now as it’s about me for a while….First time I’m choosing to be a single man. Hard work though resisting temptation yet I find it easy when I read that letter.

      Now to think of my future wife as this is a dream which will become reality




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    7. Author
      August 15, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      I am not Mary and I have lost you both in your responses. If your professor was a good one, he would not be be suggesting you analyze people or there situations from brief rants on a blog, in which you have very little information to assess an entire situation. It is also a bit narcissistic to assume you know which other posts are mine. If you want to be a good therapist, you are not starting off on the right foot. Go volunteer to help real life people. Not bloggers.

      I am not asking my current partner for forgiveness, nor to take me back. That has never been an issue. This man is content with the way things are, and I unfortunately am not. He knows this. I question if I need to leave the relationship because I am not feeling “in love”. What does that even mean anyway? Its subjective to each person on this planet I suppose. The other person in the triangle has gone away, for now. The feelings will always be there, I think. I try to separate the two stories. I will not leave one for the other, no I am not that girl.

      I am confused by your statement that most men wouldn’t want to be with a girl like me. You say this with such conviction, but you do not know me. You know what you have read of what I have chosen to disclose of the struggles I am going through. I made a decision to tell a good friend that I was becoming confused in my situation because I started to notice I still had feelings for him. I did not act on those feelings. This is called open communication. Will I tell my current partner that I may have feelings for someone else to relieve my own guilt and frustration? Absolutely not, that is certainly not the right way to handle this.




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