I have a lot of doubt that you possess any kind feelings for me at all in that way because if you did then you would act differently towards me then how you actually do.
You practically told me you didn’t love me and yet I still thought you did but you were either to confused embarrassed in denial or didn’t want to cross those boundaries.
But in reality I think it is me who is and has been in denial all this time, in fact I am quite certain of it because the way you act towards me is the way of a very close friend and that’s what I miss interpreted all those times and all those years.
I am in denial thinking you have feelings for me in that way. the way you treat me in “my head” is that you have fallen in love with me since but I know that can’t be right I know deep down that is fucking stupid and crazy.
I am not all there I always have been a little bit crazy but I am acting crazier then I already was in thinking you have feelings for me when you already told me once practically that we are friends and nothing more and never will be.
I am deluded and in denial I am so in love with you and want you to love me that I practically live in a la la fantasy land where in my mind when you tell me you miss me or love me that you really mean it and not in a friend way in which you obviously are saying.
God I don’t know how to snap out of it maybe I need help maybe I should talk to someone because its not normal we are friends we are going to be nothing more than friends ever because you dont want that and if you ever did I dont think you would ever act or it or show it.
See there I go again complete fucking denial! I get so hung up on everything you say I read into it far to much.
And god forbid when you dont reply to me quick enough it really cuts me up and makes me think that I have done something wrong or said the wrong thing. I have loved you for a good few years now but my feelings have become lets say a lot more intense these last few months at one point you and I know I got a little bit obsessed which I managed to get a grip and stop obsessing, but you never leave my head not for one second durin the day so I guess the obsessing thoughts are still there in a way.
The point is I love you but I dont think you love me and when I found out you didn’t have feelings for me in that way it kind of set of a trigger in my head I couldnt accept it and I dont think I can now I still have this hope that you do that you have feelings for me and you just dont want me to know or maybe you dont want to cross that line that we know is there and that just sounds so delusional and in denial and crazy foolish and dam right stupid..but I know after this letter has been written and posted I will go back to that little la la fantasy land where I am in denial and being delusional in thinking you do hold such feelings for me because I love you and just want you to love me and I guess you never will love me in the way I want instead of being my best friend and loving and caring for me in a friend way.
I know it’s not healthy and normal and i’m sorry.
I love you even if you don’t love me 🙂