I was thinking about you all last night. I can’t quite remember the dream, though. I do know there was a lot of kissing.
My mom asked me some tough questions last night. And I had an answer for every one of them. It’s some growth I think. It doesn’t change how I feel about you, not even one bit. If anything, it made me more certain that you are who you are, as scary as that is. I have always gone overboard with guys and this is no exception. Except, possibly, that I am more overboard with you than I ever have been for anyone else.
I need you. It would be so much easier if you would delineate the relationship further than you already have. I understand what is going on and I believe I understand why it is happening, but she is like a dog with a bone. She wants a clearly defined relationship in the present tense, which is what I believe that we have (or close to it anyway). Instead I have a foundation built on everything we have ever said to each other, a living monument to the time we spent together, to the time we intend to spend together. Somehow I know you will be waiting for me at the end of this. To me, this foundation means more than a clearly delineated relationship, with clearly defined parameters that would set my mother’s conscience at ease. I just hate people thinking I am crazy for loving you. I’m not crazy. Well, not any crazier than I ever was. But I am crazy about you.
Every part of me cries out your name. And to be honest some part of me wants that clearly defined relationship, but not until after I have atoned to you for the mistakes I made. I count the days, count the hours, lose hope, then begin counting again. I will endeavor not to lose hope again, but I cannot promise this. I get so scared sometimes thinking it will never happen. So afraid. Not at the moment, though. At the moment, I am as certain it will happen as I ever am.
I am not asking you for a sign. I am just telling you where I’m at at the moment in one incredibly long letter instead of a multitude of smaller ones. I trust you. You must know what you’re doing. One of us has to. I’m over here navigating in the dark, without a map, on a cloudy night.